Dagger to the Heart

It's been rough here lately around the Spontak house. Hannah's behaviors have increased. Mornings are almost impossible to get out the door to school. Hannah often refuses to go and once I even deposited her by the front door of the school sans shoes and coat and screaming. UGH! That was hard to do. Evenings are just as bad, if not worse, getting ready for bed. One night, after a particularly rough day, when Hannah said her bedtime prayers she asked God to make her a better daughter. It broke my heart to hear her say that. That was the final straw that told me we HAD to get her some more help. If she thought she was a bad kid/a bad daughter then obviously we weren't doing something right and we need help. Then yesterday, after a really bad afternoon meltdown resulting in injuries to myself, I emailed Hannah's teacher to see if anything out of the ordinary might have happened at school that day that could have caused Hannah to be so unstable when she got home. I felt surely there had to be some explanation for this out of control behavior. I also asked a few questions about her perceptions of Hannah's adjustment to school life, her happiness in the classroom, etc. The email I received back made me cry. It's one thing to know that Hannah has problems and to witness them at home, but it's altogether different to hear them described by someone else. What follows is an except from her teacher's email.

"Hannah is very hard to read emotionally. She seems happy at school at times and over things I might never expect…..a new center game, etc. Other times she seems like she is just passing her time with us until something else comes along. She might not seem unhappy but rather no emotions at all. I am not sure she is ever totally relaxed at school. The way she holds her body throughout the day and always observing the situation leads me to believe that she is always "on guard" even in the most relaxing of situations. I believe she is at her most natural out on the playground or walking in the hallway with a peer. At these times she seems more relaxed and very open with her conversations. What she lacks is that carefree attitude of a kdg student if that makes sense to you. She just always seems to be busy checking out what is going on around her and observing others and their reactions to things.

The day I had a talk with Hannah about her physical behavior at home I used my own daughters as an example. She seemed so interested to hear about their behaviors and how they treat me and how I treat them back. It was very interesting to watch her. You could just see the wheels turning in her head however I had no idea what she might be thinking. She seems very interested in the actions/feelings of others but as an observer only."

This just makes me sad for my little girl. I want to be able to help her, but I just don't know how. We've got a call into a new psychologist who can hopefully help shed some light on the situation and who can hook us up with a behavioral specialist, but I'm sure it will be awhile before her appointment-it always takes so long to get into these specialists and we could use help now. Prayers for my little girl would be greatly appreciated.

I Will NEVER Leave Home Again

It seems that when Mama goes away the house completely falls apart. I spent last weekend and the first part of this week in Indiana to attend my grandmother's funeral. Hannah had school and didn't know my grandmother well so she and Kyle stayed home. I arrived home late Monday night to discover that the dog was wigged out, the cats seriously ticked off, and Hannah had chopped her hair off at school! Seriously? I was gone 2 1/2 days! Poor Kyle must have really had his hands full. Upon reflection we determined that while Kyle and I have gone away together without Hannah and Kyle has gone on trips by himself several times since Hannah was born, I had NEVER gone anywhere overnight without either Kyle or Hannah and left Hannah home alone with Daddy. How on earth this was the first time in five years I don't know, but it was. I guess there was a reason I don't leave and I was reminded of it Monday night!

So, I started this post two weeks ago and I've since left home overnight without Kyle and Hannah again! Apparently I'm a slow learner. This time I went to visit my friend Sarah and her family to help them move into their new house. While the chaos that erupted at home wasn't quite as dramatic and permanent as the last time, there was one incident involving poop that poor Kyle had to call me to vent about! The real effect of my absence was saved for when I got home and Hannah really let me have it! The very next day she split my lip open in an attempt to prevent me from making her go to school and had to be forcibly removed from the van at school screaming and without any shoes on. Interestingly enough she ended up having a great day at school that day though you would have never guessed it based on her performance that morning!

Photo Notes: Here are before and after photos of Hannah's self hair cut! She started off with no bangs and decided to add them herself! The poor teacher gathered up the pile of hair and sent it home to us in an envelope!

We're Alive!

So I know it's been 2 months since I updated the blog, but we've been busy ok? Surely moving 1500 miles across the country counts as busy! As you probably figured out, we're all moved in here in Nebraska and mostly settled. The transition has gone about as I expected. It's been rough on Hannah, but easier I think on me than our last move to Rhode Island. I'm already making friends more quickly here than I did there. The actual move trip was interesting. Hannah and I flew out to Indiana after all of our things were packed and visited a bit while our stuff was in transit. Poor Kyle and Sally had to make the 1500 mile drive by themselves! Hannah did pretty well on the trip. I was so nervous flying by myself, but really it went ok. We did, however, almost miss one of our flights because my GPS is old and Indianapolis has a new airport and it took me to the WRONG one and I couldn't find the right one. We literally ran through the airport (and rental car parking garage) dragging our luggage Home Alone style and made it to the gate just as they were calling last call to board! It was a nightmare! Still we made it and Hannah actually cooperated during the crisis. God truly does answer prayers. While in Indiana we visited our good friends the Bowes as well as both of my sisters and Hannah's birthfamily. My dad also met us for lunch while we were staying with the Bowe's.

Since arriving in Nebraska we have slowly been getting the house in order. You would think it would be easier organizing a 1200 square foot house into a 4000 square foot house, but somehow that wasn't the case even though we actually have entirely empty rooms! Go figure. Hannah is all registered for kindergarten and we've met with the principal (they actually switched her to a different school than we had originally thought). I think this will be a good fit for her, but only time will tell. We are also all set up with doctors and specialists, except for a behavioral therapist for Hannah. Now Kyle and I haven't even begun to work on getting doctors for ourselves. I've actually got to get on that. I'm going to be needing a rheumatologist and a gastroenterologist soon to get my meds refilled. This is one of the parts I dislike the most about moving-the mad dash for doctors. UGH!

As far as the area, we are loving it here in Nebraska-at least I am and neither Kyle nor Hannah has expressed anything differently! Small town life really seems to suit us. We're visiting the pool, parks, the library, local festivals and carnivals, the local restaurants, etc and just feeling very comfortable and welcomed. In many ways this already feels like home to me in ways that Rhode Island just never could. Our one complaint thus far about the area is the bugs. The mosquitoes are INSANE! They are huge, vicious, and active even in the middle of the day. No amount of DEET or any other form of bug repellent seems to help. We are all covered in bites. I can't even manage to take the wonder dog out to pee without putting myself in danger of being carried off by giant man-eating mosquitoes! The locals tell us that this is by far the worst the bugs have ever been, but that does little to ease the sting of the bites. I'm sure all the rain and flooding (more on that later) we've had this spring/summer has not helped the bug problem, but it still stinks. Hannah's barely been able to play on her swingset at all because it's just too hazardous being outside for any length of time.

Now back to that flooding. . . . The area where we live is currently experiencing record flooding of the Missouri and Platt Rivers. Many, many people on the outskirts of our town and the surrounding areas are losing their homes or have been evacuated as a precaution. The city's water treatment plant is in danger of shutting down and if that happens then Kyle's work will also have to shut down. The worst part about all the flooding is that it is not expected to recede until FALL! That is a LONG time for people to be out of their homes, unable to begin cleaning up and rebuilding and it is a LONG time for the city to have to use an emergency plan to supply the residents with water. Our house, thankfully, is up on a big hill so we are not in any danger of it flooding, but the water is close to us, too close for comfort really, only a mile away. We drive by to see it's progress daily as it creeps along. Kyle unfortunately has been right in the thick of things since his new company put him, a chemical NOT civil engineer, in charge of building the levee to save their plant! Then just this past week he was loaned out to a nearby company to oversee the building of their levee as well! Apparently now he's an expert!

In the middle of all of this we also recently added to our 4 legged family and let Hannah adopt two kittens for her birthday. I know, we are crazy, but hey the girl has been BEGGING and PLEADING for a kitten for over a year now. The town shelter happened to have these two little kittens available and the animal control officer cut us a 2 for 1 deal since we were willing to take them both. I'd say a $10 adoption fee for two kittens is a pretty good deal. Hannah has named the kittens Thunder and Daisy. They are litter mates and super cute. Thunder is a 3 month old black male and Daisy is a 3 month old tiger female. It's been awhile since I've had a kitten in the house and I had forgotten what terrors they can be. Let me just say that those two have completely taken over the house. They rule the roost! Sally the Wonder Dog has done remarkably well with the move and the new additions. She alternates between being excited for someone to play with and completely ambivalent about their presence. I'd say that's about the perfect reaction. I couldn't have hoped for better.

Well, I think that's about everything we've been up to since I last wrote. I'll hopefully write more soon about how Hannah has handled this transition and some of the behaviors we've seen cropping up, but that really deserves an entire post unto itself.

I Can't Take This!

The title of this post comes not from me (as many of you might expect!), but from Hannah. It's a quote from the middle of the night last night. She had woken up to go to the bathroom and after taking her back to bed and getting her settled she kept scratching and scratching at a bug bite on her back. I could tell she was really trying not to scratch, but it must have been itching something fierce because after several cycles of trying not to scratch and then scratching anyway she dramatically flopped over in her bed, turned to me and said, "I just can't take this anymore!" and then buried her head in her pillow! I had to stifle a laugh. I felt for the poor thing because I too have impossibly low willpower when it comes to not scratching something that itches, but it was so darn funny the way she said it and not at all how I expected a four year old to complain about a bug bite! She must of gotten that phrase off of Kyle or I, but neither of us can determine which of us says it enough for her to have picked it up. As far as we know, neither of us says it all, but she has to have gotten it from somewhere. Surely she just didn't pull that phrase out all on her own.

Hannah accomplished a huge feat this past weekend, one that Mommy still has yet to conquer. She learned to dunk herself under water and now she's an addict! She went from being pretty scared of getting any water on her face to begging Kyle to throw her into the air at the pool so that she could crash back down and go under water in one day! Now she's jumping into the pool on her own, putting her face in the water and pretending to swim, and of course begging to be thrown. That's my little sensory seeker! I'm quite excited about this development because swimming is great proprioceptive input for her and as an added benefit it tires her out too! Another thing I love is that I no longer have to tolerate screams in the tub about me getting water in her eyes. If she can stand getting launched into the air and crashing down into the pool and going completely under then she can handle a few drips of water running into her eyes! This tells me it's definitely time to start swim lessons this winter. Now that she's confidently going under and swimming around the pool independently with her flotation belt on, I think she's totally ready and capable of taking directions from a swim instructor. This also makes me feel so much calmer about us living next to the ocean. I don't have to worry as much now about her panicking if she were to accidentally go under or get hit by a wave in the water. Just her being more comfortable in the water makes me more comfortable taking her there.

Today Hannah had one of her oddest meltdowns ever. Her morning started off great and then when it was time to get ready to go I asked her to put her socks on. For some reason this set her off and she refused to comply. Socks were not an option with her AFOs and shoes were not an option for her school so she had to put her socks on in order to put her shoes on in order to go to school. Eventually she just went nuts. She started screaming and hitting and kicking and pinching. She was using all of her strength and truly intending to hurt. After about 15 minutes of this, she all of a sudden walked over to the toilet (we were in the bathroom) and sat down and closed her eyes. She sat there for about a minute totally silent and then began sobbing hysterically. I went over to hug her and ask her why she was crying and she said, "I just started. I don't know why, but I can't stop." She cried for probably 10 minutes with me holding her and then eventually she was able to get her socks and shoes on, get washed up and then leave for school. She was quite clingy when I dropped her off at school and I worry that she's going to have a rough time, but they haven't called yet so I hope that means so far so good. The odd thing is that usually she rages until she's worn out and everything just fizzles out. This abrupt end to the aggression and the beginning of the crying is very abnormal for her. I'm not sure what to make of it.

School Options for the Fall

Since moving up to the 4 year old room at her preschool, we have been less than thrilled with Hannah's new teacher. It's hard to put a definite finger on what bothers us, but it's definitely not been as positive of an experience as Hannah had in her 3 year old classroom. She doesn't seem to connect with her current teachers at all. In fact, in the mornings I usually drop her off before her teachers arrive so she goes into the 3 year old room until they get there. On those days she separates fairly easily and is welcomed warmly. When we arrive slightly later and the assistant teacher is already at school Hannah has a much harder time with me leaving. She clings to my leg, says she doesn't want to stay at school, and doesn't get noticed much by the teacher. There's not even a mention of anything like, "Do you want to run an errand with me Hannah?" or "Why don't we read this book together," to distract her from my leaving. She's left completely on her own to work it out. In her old room I got the sense that the teachers truly loved Hannah. They were concerned about her best interests. I just don't get that sense in her new room. I'm sure the teachers care about doing a good job and are kind to the children, but I don't get the sense that they really care about Hannah as an individual child. She's just another kid in the class to them is the feeling I get. I spoke with the teacher about our concerns for Hannah and our hopes for how her school experience would continue to go. I even sent her a LONG follow up email with more detailed information about Hannah and some tips about what works best for us at home with Hannah. We pretty much received the standard, "yeah, yeah I know what I'm doing and I don't need to do anything differently for your child." response. She was polite, but was pretty clear that she knew how to deal with kids with SPD and that she did not feel any need to adjust the difficulty of some of her activities to appropriately challenge Hannah because her lesson plans are all open ended enough for her to get the challenge she needs. The problem is that she's not getting the challenge that she needs. She never brings anything tangible home at all. There are no products of her learning. No art projects, writing attempts, cut and paste activities, etc. She still hasn't read anything at all in the classroom that the teacher is aware of and she will not encourage her to do so. Though I know that she does occasionally read to herself and other children during free play time in the afternoons after her teacher has left. It's all just very frustrating. As Hannah's academic abilities continue to progress at lightning speed and as we learn more about the kindergarten curriculum and environment at the public school we have become very worried about what we should do with Hannah when she turns five as far as schooling options. We've actually struggled pretty mightily about what to do for her this coming fall, but I think we've finally made our decision. We've decided to home school Hannah (using a kindergarten curriculum since she's more than ready already) this fall as a trial run to see if this is even a feasible option for kindergarten when she's five. If things go well we'll home school her for kindergarten (her five year old year) as well and then reevaluate where to go from there once she's old enough for first grade. If homeschooling is an epic fail then we really won't have lost anything since she technically doesn't have to be in any kind of school yet and she could already breeze through the academic portions of kindergarten so she won't be behind in that respect. To keep her social skills progressing we plan to enroll her in several classes at the local YMCA and let her join the local youth soccer program. She might even continue to go to her current preschool one day a week so that she can keep up the relationships she has already formed with the kids there, but I'm not sure if we'll go that route or not. Of course we'll continue to do all the fun stuff we like to do like go to the beach, the museum and the zoo, library story time, etc and look for as many play dates as we can get. I really think the social aspects of homeschooling will be Hannah's biggest challenge, but I'm hopeful that we can circumvent them with some good planning and a consistent routine as far as classes, standing play dates, story times, etc. I'm both excited and nervous at the same time about starting up homeschooling. I'm excited about all I can teach Hannah now that she's ripe for learning and happy about the extra time we'll have to do fun stuff, but I'm also worried that I won't be able to replicate the institutional structure that traditional preschool/elementary school provides. I guess we'll see how it goes. Like I said before, this is why we're doing a trial run now.

Today I was hoping to kick off our three day weekend by spending time at the beach or going to the zoo, but Hannah came home from school yesterday with a fever (102.5 degrees) and it didn't break over the night. Today it's been hovering in the 103. 5 degrees range. So much for fun outings. She's pretty congested, but other than that and the fever she has no other real symptoms. It appears to just be a cold. Let's hope it clears up before the weekend is over so that we can do at least a little bit of fun stuff.

Despite feeling crummy, Hannah managed to bless me with two very interesting conversations today. The first occurred while we were getting dressed this morning. She was stalling and wallering around on the floor when all of a sudden she sat up and asked, "Mommy, do you know about silver panels?" Confused, I replied, "Do you mean panels that are the color silver?" She said, "Yes, do you know how they work?" This confused me even more. What in the heck were silver panels? So, I asked her, "Hannah where did you learn about silver panels?" "From Curious George," she replied. It was then that the light bulb immediately clicked on inside my head. I said, "Do you mean solar panels?" She brightened and practically shouted, "Yeah, solar panels!" I remembered that about a month ago we had watched an episode of Curious George where too many air conditioners caused a black out in the city, but the Professor powered a generator at the museum using solar panels. A month ago! Apparently she'd been mulling the episode around in her head and wanted to know how solar panels worked and to find out if we had any! We talked in length about what little knowledge I had about solar panels (thankfully it was more than she knew and enough to satisfy her curiosity!) and I was able to show her the solar powered calculator we had and we experimented with it by placing it in the direct light and then hiding the collection panels from the light and watching it shut off. It was really fun.

The second conversation started as a discussion about germs, spurred I'm sure by the fact that she is sick. She was asking about whether or not germs had mouths and if they were monsters (thanks to a book she has that shows a cartoon picture of a germ) and what they looked like. I explained that germs are too little for us to see with our eyes and that I don't really know what they look like, but that different germs probably each look different just like different people do. I told her that in order to see what a germ looked like you need to use a microscope. At first she didn't know what a microscope was, but after I described one she piped up with, "Oh, like at the museum. I need one of those. I wish I had a really big microscope attached to my eyes so that could see really little things really big." On and on and on she went about wanting a microscope and about how she wanted one attached to her eyes. Maybe I'll have to get her some child sized binoculars. That's not exactly the same, but it's somewhat close and probably a better choice than a microscope. I'm not sure she's quite ready for a microscope, a magnifying glass maybe, but not a microscope. I do appreciate her desire though. I had a microscope as a kid (a much OLDER kid mind you) and I loved it. I had a blast preparing my own slides and examining the premade ones that came with it.

Photo Notes: In the first picture you see Hannah proudly displaying a picture she drew of our family. Pictured are Hannah, Daddy, Grandpa and Mommy, plus a flower. I'm the person on the top left that actually has a separate head and body. Notice the baby growing in my tummy. No, I'm not pregnant. It's just wishful thinking on her part and a reaction I think to a friend who recently had a baby. There's been a lot of references to a baby in my tummy lately!

The rest of the pictures are Hannah playing in the sprinkler in our backyard.

I'm Fine With That

So Hannah totally sucked the wind right out of my sails the other day. As many of you know, she's a spirited child and we've struggled to come up with the right method to manage her discipline. "Normal" methods didn't seem to work and we were really at a loss until we discovered the Nurtured Heart method last winter. Hannah totally "gets" the system and understands that her behavior earns her her privileges and if she doesn't follow through with good behavior then she doesn't have the credits needed to purchase her privileges. Well, the other night I had reminded Hannah multiple times that she needed to hang up her coat because she had dropped it on the floor upon returning home from school and just left it laying there all afternoon for the dog to curl up on! When it was almost bedtime and I informed her that if the coat was still on the ground when we did her credit review she would not receive full points for taking care of her coat and shoes she calmly informed me, "I'm fine with that. Mommy, I'm fine with not getting all my money." I was stunned. What was I supposed to say to that? If this crops up again, and I'm sure it will, then what am I to say? What leverage do I have if she's ok with the loss of privileges for not doing her chores or displaying appropriate behavior? I relayed this story to her OT yesterday and she said, "Wow, that's the kind of snarky comment you expect out of a teenager." She's totally right. Any suggestions? I'm really at a loss here because if the Nurtured Heart credit system ceases to work then I really don't know where to turn to.

Speaking of Nurtured Heart, Hannah did the sweetest thing yesterday and I just have to tell you about it. When she woke up from her nap she knocked on her door like always to be let out and when I opened the door she was there waiting for me with her fist tightly clenched. Before I could even say "Good Morning!" (I know it's not morning, but that's just what we say when someone wakes up around here. It works for us!) she immediately launched into a flurry of words. "I have money in my hand and it's 10 cents and I want to go to the museum and it costs 10 cents so lets go to the museum." I was once again stunned. Before knocking to get out of her room she decided what she wanted to do, checked her list of privileges to see how expensive it was, checked her piggy bank to see if she had enough money to do it, counted out the correct amount and then informed me of her choice. This girl can totally plan! Unfortunately, she had taken her nap MUCH, MUCH later than usual and by the time she finally woke up it was nearing 5pm. The museum is in Providence and takes about 15 minutes to get there. It closes at 5pm. No museum for Hannah. :( The poor thing was devastated. Huge crocodile tears welled up in her eyes and began to roll down her cheeks. She pushed her head into my stomach and sobbed. I felt so bad for her. I really wanted to be able to take her to the museum, but we just couldn't. We worked out a plan though. She will save that 10 cents. She won't spend it on anything else and on Thursday (tomorrow) we will go to the museum for our Mommy-Daughter Day. She's pretty stoked about it and I'm so proud of her that she was able to recover relatively quickly from this disappointment. That's my big girl.

Today at lunch time I'm meeting with Hannah's new preschool teacher just to touch base and try to learn how things are run in her new classroom. This new teacher isn't very good about communicating what happens in the room on a daily basis so I guess I'm going to have to step up my end and do some detective work. Adding to the problem is that I drop Hannah off at school before the "preschool" portion of the day actually starts and pick her up after the academic day has technically ended so I don't even see her teacher. In fact, I've NEVER seen her teacher. This will be my first time ever laying eyes on her. Hannah adjusts much better to the transition of going to school if she is one of the first ones to arrive and can slowly adjust to the social situation one child at a time rather than being dropped off into a group of kids that are already engaged in something. We've learned that the hard way, hence the before care drop off even though it's not needed for our schedule since I don't work out of the home. She also has a difficult time with the transition from school back to home so I have to time her pick up so that she is one of the last students leaving and there is not much going on so that she doesn't think she's missing out on anything and feels a sense of closure. She can't be the last one there though or she begins to panic. Pick up can be tricky, but I've mostly got it timed well these days and we can extract her from the building without too much pain. Fridays are another story though because they get to watch movies on Friday afternoons and there is never enough time (even if she was the last one to leave) to watch the entire movie in the time period allotted so that means she has to leave mid movie and that is not easy for her. She's a finisher. She HAS to finish the things she's started before she can move on to something else and every Friday it's a given that she's not going to be able to finish that movie. We deal with it, but it's not a pretty sight. So, wish me luck that this meeting will go well. I will be interested to see if they have noticed any of Hannah's academic strengths in the new classroom. I know they were giving her extra stuff to do in her old classroom since she was so far ahead of her peers, but I don't know if that's happening in the new room or not. I'm sure she's academically ahead of the curriculum and hopefully that was shared by her previous teacher, but who knows. I haven't been able to speak to the teacher and of course I get nothing from Hannah. According to her they play on the playground-period. I'm lucky if I get that out of her. For a girl that loves to talk, she's very closed mouth about what goes on at school. That's why teacher communication is so important for me. I like to be able to talk with her about her day and if I know a little bit about what they did I can prompt her into telling me a bit. If I have nothing to go on I'm pretty much dead in the water.

Irrational Laughter

This past weekend was rough at the Spontak house. Kyle has some sort of viral throat infection, thankfully not strep and I caught a particularly nasty stomach virus that KICKED MY BUTT. Consequently sensory diets were not high on our list of things to do and poor Hannah received very little quality time Saturday (Sunday Kyle was doing a bit better and was a fantastic Daddy even though he still didn't feel tip top), dare I say little attention period! As a result of the lack of heavy work and attention, behaviors skyrocketed on Hannah's end and we had little patience for dealing with them appropriately or heading them off at the pass. It was a vicious cycle. On Sunday I watched as Hannah disobeyed and then smarted off to Kyle as he attempted to discipline her (I don't even remember what she did or said) as I sat completely devoid of energy, dizzy, and just trying to keep what little was in my stomach in there. For some reason the absurdity of the situation struck me and I began to laugh. Laughing made me more nauseous and also hurt my overtaxed abs from all the vomiting. The pain became so intense that I was crying all the while still laughing. It was such a WEIRD sensation. I wasn't laughing so hard I was crying in the normal sense, but yet I was laughing and crying at the same time and unable to stop either. Kyle and Hannah just stared at me confused. Luckily I didn't get screamed at or hit (Hannah doesn't really care for other people's laughter because she usually thinks it's directed at her although this time in a way it was so she might have been justified at being upset!) and I managed to somehow not throw up all over the dining room. The odd thing was that after that bout of irrational laughter my mood was much better even though I still felt awful. Nothing pleasant or good had happened, just more of the same, but the simple act of laughing uncontrollably cheered me up. I guess that maybe laughter really is the best medicine.

The new bedtime routine is going pretty well. Last week Hannah slept completely through the night for the first time since at least May. It may well have been even longer than May, but we know for sure that we hadn't had a full uninterrupted night of sleep since moving into the house. It was amazing how refreshed I felt that first morning. Hannah was better behaved too. I'm sure lack of sleep has been making us all cranky and impatient. Hopefully the success continues. Oh, and she's also managed to stay dry on her own ever since we stopped waking her up to pee as well. Yahoo to full night's sleep and no more pee soaked sheets!

Just within the last week Hannah has realized that she can read. I mean she's known she can read for a long time, but now she'll actually pick up a book independently and read the words she sees rather than making up her own story or just looking at the pictures. Before she would only actually read a book if asked to read it. If left to her own devices she'd much rather make up her own version of the story. Last week though, something switched. She's been asking to read to us instead of asking us to read to her. She's been reading aloud in the van to pass the time. She's independently and almost without conscious thought using the skills she has to make her life easier and more informed. For example, she'll see a piece of paper on the counter, look at it and read what it says and then ask questions about what it says. She'll read the titles flashed on the screen before her Curious George TV shows start so she knows what to expect. She's checking the school calendar to know what the day holds before I tell her. Reading has switched from being something she could do easily, but chose not to do, to something she does without thinking like adults do. It's now something that just happens. She sees a word and it's read. It's like she can't not read it now. Not only is it read, but it's processed, understood, and used to her advantage. I have a feeling a whole new world has just opened up to my little girl. It's going to be exciting, but heaven help us as we cope with all the new information that brain of hers is going to be packing!

Hannah seems to have handled Kyle going back to work quite well. I guess I underestimated her. We had a few rocky days, but on the whole she's done fine. We're still trying to getting back into the grove of our old routine, but that will come I think. I hope it will anyway!

The last few days Hannah has been eating like crazy. She's been consuming more food in any given day than I normally would! I know she's grown lately because Kyle pointed out to me that her houseslippers are definitely too small for her (yet there's no way I'm going to be able to get rid of them until I have a replacement pair!) and I felt her shoes today and I'm pretty sure it's time for a new pair of them too. That's one of the drawbacks of her being able to do her shoes completely independently is that I don't have a daily check on how her shoes are fitting. She certainly hasn't mentioned that they are too tight, but they definitely are! I've also had to retire several shirts and pants this past month. Come spring time I'm going to have to buy her a whole new short sleeved shirt wardrobe because I don't think she has more than one or two that could be worn alone and be considered decent. The clothes in her closet right now are shirts sized 5-6 and pants 4T (a little short, but at least they'll stay up!) and dresses 5-6. Her current shoes are 11s and her slippers were 11/12s. She's only 3 1/2 for pete's sake! This girl totally is going to out grown me before she's half way through elementary school.

Christmas Events

So no one has any ideas for a contest prize that I could use to help rename this blog? Surely there are some creative people out there somewhere in the blogosphere!

We have our first two weekends of Christmas events under our belt and so far things are going pretty well. Last weekend we went to see Kayla perform in the Nutcracker and exchange gifts with Tiffany and her family. Hannah loved the Nutcracker just as I had predicted and managed to sit through the entire show just fine. She was even really good about being passed around to some people she didn't know at all and some others that she doesn't know very well. It was easy for us to see that it made her quite anxious, but there were no melt downs and she recovered quite nicely. She even managed to open up at dinner when it was just the people she was most familiar with. I had such a nice time at dinner watching Hannah and Kayla interact. Kayla is in kindergarten and just learning how to read, write, and spell. She would write a word she knew on a napkin with a crayon and then Hannah would read it. They had a blast together. It just melted my heart. Another wonderful thing that happened during the visit was that Tiffany's dad finally started to open himself up to Hannah a bit. He's a very nice man, but has been very distant from us and Hannah because he was afraid of getting too attached to her and then us not letting them see Hannah. Since Hannah's birth we had only seen him twice (at the twins' birthday party this summer and last) and both times he showed no interest at all in interacting or spending any time with Hannah. Usually during our visits he is purposely working so that he is not around. This time was different though. He chose to go to the performance we were attending, went out to dinner afterwords with us, offered Hannah a seat on his lap, and even bought her a snow globe at the souvenir stand during intermission. The best part though was when he referred to himself as Grandpa Charlie to Hannah. I am so happy that he is willing to let himself be a part of Hannah's life. But then, I don't know who would NOT want to be a part of her life after meeting her and getting to know her amazing personality. Those big blue eyes of hers are enough to melt just about anyone's heart!

This weekend we went to see Kyle's Dad and brother and exchange gifts with them. Kevin made an amazing lunch and afterwords we opened presents. We were all spoiled rotten, Hannah especially. Then the boys and Hannah had a huge Nerf gun fight. Hannah had a blast running around and shooting Uncle Kevin in the knees. She also loved collecting all the ammo. For dinner we headed over to my aunt's to deliver gifts to the family we adopted for Christmas. The family seemed to like their gifts and were very appreciative. It's nice to be able to help someone out so that they can eventually help themselves.

This week we have Christmas with my mom's side of the family on Tuesday and then Christmas Day at our house. After Christmas we will have two more holiday get togethers before the whole season is done. I guess that's just what happens when you have a large and complicated family.

The weather here is freakishly cold. Today it got into the negative degrees without the windchill and we had 35 mile an hour winds! We decided to pass on church instead of trying to take Hannah out in the cold. I'm hoping that the cold lets up a bit tomorrow because we have to go out since Hannah and I both have dentist appointments. This will be Hannah's first dentist appointment and she's never been to watch any of Kyle or I's so I'm a bit nervous about how it will go since she's not overly fond of brushing her teeth to begin with. We've been reading tons of books about going to the dentist and talking through what will happen while she's there, but I still don't know if it'll be enough to keep her from freaking out. Keep your fingers crossed that it all goes well and that she doesn't bite the hygienist or the dentist.

The word "NO!" has reared it's ugly head here at the Spontak house and it is not pretty. Hannah is saying no to pretty much everything and is rarely cooperative at all. It's gotten so out of control that we've had to institute a strict no tolerance policy for it. No more warnings, simply an automatic reminder (AKA spanking) for any utterance of the word in response to a direction. Even with that, the nasty word's grip does not seem to be loosening. We still hear it upwards of 50 times a day. Maybe even more. It's difficult to even come to terms with the magnitude of the problem it is so huge. She even says no when I know she wants to answer yes when asked a question about whether or not she wants to do something or eat a certain food. We aren't even telling her to do something. It's her choice to make and still she says no automatically. When you add that to all the other typical two year old disobedience, there are times when I think I just might pull all of my hair out by the roots.

Ok, so the dentist trip transpired before I had a chance to publish this post. Hannah handled it like a pro! I was so proud of her. Never in a million years would I even have dreamed that it would have gone this smoothly. She was fine with the electric toothbrush, the metal picks, the floss, the chair laid back, the light, and even the crazy magnifying glasses that the hygienists wear. Everyone in the office gushed over how cute she was and how great she did and she got to choose not one, but two treasures from the prize chest. She was thrilled. Shouldn't be a problem getting her to want to go back again next time.

Routines

Hannah has always been one to love routines. I love them too so I can totally understand where she comes from, but sometimes her love of routines can cause her undue stress. For example, one of her current most endearing routines is the final segment of her bedtime routine. After being tucked in and kissed good night Hannah MUST say and the adult putting her to bed MUST repeat (or hysterics are involved) the following sequence as sort of a call and response as we are walking out the door.

H: I love you

M or D: I love you

H: Sweet dreams

M or D: Sweet dreams

H: Bye

M or D: Bye

H: Goodnight

M or D: Goodnight

This sequence used to be repeated over and over again multiple times until it was timed just perfectly to slip out the door and lock it before she could start it again. There were times I must have said it 10 times through or more. If we stopped in the middle or tried to tell her we weren't going to say it anymore OR if we didn't hear her start the sequence again as we were shutting the door then she would scream hysterically something to the order of "I need sweet dreams Mommy." or whatever portion we failed to repeat. Ignoring the hysterics were no use and one just had to suck it up and go back in there and finish up the sequence. At first I thought she was using it as a stalling technique since she is a MASTER at stalling, especially before bedtime, but as time went on I realized that it was a comfort routine for her that helped her settle down to sleep. Still there came a point where comfort or not, eventually I could take it no longer. I sat her down about an hour prior to nap time one day and told her we were only going to say I love you, sweet dreams, bye, goodnight one time and then we were going to leave. I reminded her of this fact as we were getting ready for her nap and then again just as the sequence was about to start. After the end of the sequence that nap she asked, "One time?" and I replied, "Just one time." and that was the end of that. She lay down and went to sleep. I congratulated myself for my brilliance and wondered why I hadn't done this sooner, after all Hannah is a smart girl and can often be reasoned with if she's not already on the path towards a meltdown. At bedtime that same night I reminded Hannah about the new one time rule and then went on about her bedtime routine. When we got to the final goodnight she again questioned, "One time?" Again I answered, "Just one time." Just as I was about to shut the door she said, "All done?" and I replied, "All done," and quickly shut the door. From that day on, "one time?" and "all done" became added to the nightly goodnight sequence, but so far the cycle has stopped there. Hopefully I have not replaced one monster with another that will cause this sequence to grow in length continually instead of merely repeating itself, but right now we are holding steady. So, I choose to continue to think my one time rule was brilliant and can fully enjoy a sweet goodnight exchange with my daughter.

Speaking of comfort, Hannah has been having a lot of anxiety lately and has been really leaning heavily on any sort of comfort she can find and has developed some new "techniques" I'll call them to bring herself comfort. The first one is sleeping with the light on. Every night or nap time we turn out her light after her story. She then lays down for us to sing her a song. After the song she says, "I can turn the light on if I want to?" She waits until we are done with her routine and we are out of the room and then she gets out of bed and turns her light back on. I don't think she's scared of the dark. She could be, but she hasn't verbalized any fear about the darkness or monsters or anything. So, I just think it's a comfort thing. She likes her light on and it's comforting for her to have control over turning it on. Another comfort thing she's developed is constantly asking questions she already knows the answer to to get reassurance. For example, lately she's been a bit shy about big dogs. I'm not sure what sparked this hesitation, but it's there. Whenever we are going somewhere where she knows there will be a dog she says where she wants the dog to be in the form of a question. Here's an example, "Finn will be in the barn?" or "Sidney will be outside?" She knows that most likely those dogs WON'T be where she says they will be and seems to just be looking for reassurance that she needs to prepare herself for the dog and that she'll be ok.

I don't think I posted earlier on Hannah's Halloween experience. This year we were invited to go trick or treating with some friends of ours. Last year we didn't take Hannah trick or treating. She just dressed up in her costume and helped pass out candy. We also went this year to the Halloween open house that the gym where Hannah has gymnastics at had. They had several obstacle courses set up for the kids and the gym was all decorated for Halloween. It was a blast and Hannah didn't want to leave to go trick or treating when it was time to go! I was worried about how she would do trick or treating. I thought the other kids in costume might scare her or going up and talking to all those strangers would freak her out, but she did great! She was a little shy, but by the end of the night she was boldly walking up to houses alone and saying trick or treat and even remembering to say thank you! I was so proud of my little girl!

The Terrible Twos

OH MY GOSH! Where are the aliens that snatched my daughter?!?! The past few weeks have been especially rough in our house. Hannah is fully ensconced in the terrible twos and I'm about ready for a nervous breakdown. To make matters worse, Kyle leaves for a week long business trip on Monday. Pray for me that the aliens will return my daughter quickly!

Toddlers are defiant. They are independent. They push the limits. They have tantrums. Hannah apparently knows what is expected of her because she has been displaying all of these behaviors in massive quantities the past few weeks. Yesterday and today were the worst. I have basically spent 48 hours of continuous tantrum/sensory meltdown. It has been absolutely insane. Hannah will be defiant and get in trouble. Then she'll have a tantrum because she is in trouble. Then the tantrum escalates and gets so out of hand that she basically throws herself into sensory overload. At this point the discipline has ceased to be effective AND it is no longer possible to reason with her or even bring her out of the meltdown. This morning, what started as basic toddler defiance-refusing to get dressed because she wanted to play instead- ended up in a 45 minute meltdown that seriously altered the fun outing we had planned for the day and eventually spawned several more tantrums turned meltdowns as the morning drew on.

Not only am I having a rough time of all of this, but Hannah is suffering too. She's so anxiety stricken that she's gnawed her thumbs and sides of her hands raw. I had just got the bad spots on her thumbs cleared up and now in the space of only 2 days one of them is bleeding again and she has teeth marks all over the other hand. I've been redirecting her as much as possible, but they are her hands and I'm not with her every single minute. Usually this chewing is reserved for socially stressful situations, but lately we've been seeing it at home too. This worries me.

I took Hannah to the doctor on Wednesday for a check on how she's doing with therapy and to take a look at her feet. His response to her feet was, "Holy Cow! She over pronates like crazy." He agreed with us that she runs funny-that's a technical term by the way :) He said it's possible that she "could" grow out of it since she's still developing, but that it's unlikely. He said he recommended that we take her to a pediatric orthopedic specialist to determine if it's severe enough to need treatment with orthotics or braces at her age to prevent future problems as she grows and matures or if we can just wait and see what happens. He didn't feel he was qualified to make that call. He was also concerned about some of her anxiety and her lack of progress in dealing with others emotions. He's referring us to a developmental pediatrician at the Riley Developmental Clinic (for those of you out of state, it's the state's premier children's hospital) for a consultation and some testing. Apparently it takes FOREVER to get an appointment. We don't have our date yet, but I'm sure it will be at least several months before we get in. If they can help then it'll be worth the wait though.