Interview With Betty Anne

This year I participated in the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project again.  I was paired with an amazing birthmother (or tummy mommy as her daughter refers to her) named Betty Anne Davidson who blogs at http://bettyannescott.blogspot.com/  Betty Anne placed her daughter Chloe for adoption 7 years ago and has an open adoption with her  parents.  She and her husband Scott  now have a son, James, who  is a year and a half old, as well as a new baby girl that is due to be born ANY DAY!  Please head on over to her blog and show her some blog love (and to check out the tons of sweet new baby pictures that I'm sure will appear shortly!).  She blogs about adoption, motherhood, and life in general as a NICU nurse. 

Check out the other bloggers who participated in the interview project by going to the link below. 
http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2012/11/adoption-blogger-interview-project.html


1. What kind of a relationship do you have with Chloe? How often do you have contact and what kind?

Hmm...great question. I would describe our relationship as "acquaintances". She knows who I am. I know who she is. We hear lots ABOUT each other, but we don't really know each other all that well. Her parents have very open conversations with her about me whenever Chloe asks a question. I really appreciate their openness with her. It seems to me that she knows talking about me, or adoption, is not a taboo subject at all. It's part of her life story.

We see each other 2-3 times a year. Sometimes we (Chloe and her family, me and my family) meet up somewhere, like a park, and have a picnic and hang out for a few hours. Last year I went to their house (about 30 minutes from mine) to watch a Christmas parade. In the earlier years of her life, I went to their house frequently for game nights and other social gatherings. Her and her family came to my wedding, which meant THE WORLD to me


  2. Do you wish you had more/less contact with her or are you happy with the amount of contact you have now?

I definitely wish I had more interaction with her than I do. She's this little person that has impacted my life more than anyone else on the planet and I want to know all about her. However, if I want to know her and I want to her to know me, we have to spend some time together! Hearing OF each other through mutual people isn't quite enough to have our own relationship. (Her mom and I talk and text way more frequently than we actually get together.) I feel it's important to mention that I can't blame anybody but myself for the amount of time I do or do not spend with Chloe. She is very, very available to me. She doesn't live far away. Her parents are reeeeally open to her having a relationship with me. The only barriers are time and effort. When Chloe was younger, I was single. I spent a lot more time with her then. Now that I'm married, working, and have a family of my own, time gets away from me. I hope and pray that our lack of face to face time doesn't translate to her as a lack of caring or interest on my part.


3. Has Chloe asked why you placed her for adoption? If so, how old was she when she asked and did you or her adoptive parents answer her? What was their/your answer?

She hasn't asked that yet. At least not of me. I'm not sure if her mom has fielded such a question in their many conversations about adoption. I look forward to the day she asks me this and DREAD that day all at the same time. My fear is that she won't understand. That she'll believe the lie that "I just didn't want her." That is so ridiculously absurd and couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is that I wanted more for her than I could provide at that time. I wanted a stable home environment with a mom AND a dad. Her mom may argue with me over this, but I believe I could have done the mother-role as well as her mom does. What I couldn't offer her, though, was the modeling of a healthy relationship with a husband, or a healthy relationship with a dad. Besides my inability to financially and emotionally provide for Chloe and I, the father/daughter relationship played a HUGE role in my decision to place Chloe for adoption.


4. What kind of a relationship do you have with Chloe's parents? How often do you talk/see each other?You mention in your blog that you met them through your parents' church.  Do you still go to the same church?

I cannot say enough kind things about Chloe's parents. They are such incredibly giving, gracious, loving people. They allowed me to be so involved with Chloe the first year, which meant the world to me. They didn't seem to feel "threatened" by me having a relationship with Chloe directly. That speaks volumes to me about them. Melissa, Chloe's mom, and I touch base mostly through email and texting. We usually reconnect every 2 or 3 months or so. We don't all go to the same church anymore.


5. What kind of a relationship do your parents have with Chloe and her parents?

Chloe and her brother Shiloh both call my parents Meemaw and Poopah, just like my nieces do. They have grown up knowing my parents as another set of grandparents, although I'm sure the relationship connection is a little fuzzy to them. My mom provided child care for Shiloh and Chloe at various points. (ex: 1 or 2 days/week for a few months when Chloe was a baby. then 1 day every other week when Chloe was 6 or 7.) I love that my parents have gained another grandson through their relationship with Chloe and her parents. My parents knew Alvin and Melissa before I did. It was through their connection at church that I was able to know of them and picked them as parents for Chloe.


6. What does Chloe call you? Did you choose the name, her parents, or Chloe herself?

Chloe calls me Betty Anne. In her first few months of life, Chloe's parents and I had that conversation. They asked me what I wanted her to call me. Without hesitation I answered "Betty Anne". I didn't want to be labeled an "Aunt" or "Cousin" or some other relative that I really wasn't. I absolutely wasn't comfortable with "mom", because I didn't feel that was true of our relationship. She grew in my belly. I birthed her. Yes, that makes me her biological mother. But to me, "mom" is a term for whoever is there at 2am holding and rocking the crying child, making day to day parenting decisions on behalf of the child. That's not me. So we settled on her calling me by name. I think her parents do use the term "birthmother" as well when describing our relationship. In the past few years sometime, Chloe took a liking to the term "tummy mommy", as she understood she grew in my tummy before living with her parents.


7. Does Chloe wonder why she was adopted, but James and new baby on the way were not? How have you/do you plan to explain that to her?

If she hasn't already wondered this, I'm sure she will at some point. I think it's a great question and I hope she asks me one day. As I explained (in question 3), it all had to do with life circumstances at the time she was born. I'm now in a place (stable home, financially secure--or at least MORE so than before!, emotionally much more stable, married to an amazing man) to provide a loving home to a child. I think as a young adult, she will be able to understand this. I don't know, though, about her comprehension of this at age 8. Everything is so concrete to 8 year olds!


8. What has helped you cope during your hardest moments of grief?

Faith, supportive family and friends, reading adoption related blogs online, and TIME. These things all have played an important role in helping me get through the really rough days.


9. Have you ever wished you made a different decision or regretted the decision you did make?

Yes and no. I have always felt very assured of the decision I made to place Chloe for adoption, but that has certainly been painful at times. The day I left the hospital without Chloe was without a doubt the worst day of my life. It was so unnatural. It hurt.so.badly. I wanted to get her back to ease the pain! But at the same time, I knew that the decision I made was the right one, and "getting her back" wasn't in her best interests, it would just serve my own needs better. So I cried and mourned the loss of raising this incredible child. And (like I mentioned in #8) through faith, supportive family and friends and reading about other people's adoption stories online, time passed and the pain eased up significantly. With each passing year, the pain subsided a little and peace and contentment prevailed about the situation and my decision. Then I got married. Sometime during the first year, I was taken aback by my renewed grief and sadness I felt about Chloe. I think what was happening was that I knew beyond any doubt that I could not parent a newborn at the time I had Chloe. However, 4 years later when I got married and was in a much more stable situation, I could parent a 4 year old. I had to remind myself that if it was the right decision to place Chloe for adoption when she was born, it was still the right decision 4 years later. After repeating that to myself over and over, peace and contentment returned.


10. What does your husband think about open adoption?

Based on my husband's grunting answer from the couch just now, I guess we'll skip this question. Short answer: he's for it. But apparently he's not interested in elaborating at this time. :)


11. In your job as a NICU nurse, have you ever had the opportunity to counsel other women facing the same tough decisions as you did?

I have encountered a few birth mothers in my nursing career thus far. I haven't really shared my story with any of them because I wasn't sure of the appropriateness of that (since this is my place of employment and usually I was caring for the birth mother's baby). In each case I made sure the social worker involved with the birth mother knew that I was more than willing to talk with them or just listen.

Adoption Interview Project: Interview with Kate

For the Adoption Interview Project I was paired with Kate at Sweet Ridge Sisters . Kate blogs there with her 3 sisters (who also graciously agreed to be interviewed as well even though they are not directly involved in adoption) about life on the farm and in the city. Kate has two daughters, Brigid and Olympia, the oldest of whom she placed for open adoption 10 years ago. She writes often about parenting and being a mother and birthmother. Please hop on over to Sweet Ridge Sisters and give Kate and her sisters a little blog love! So, without further ado, here is my interview with Kate.




1. Tell me about your relationship with Brigid. How has it changed as she has grown older?

Let me begin by telling you that when I first read about open adoption while I was pregnant with Brigid, I was completely turned off by the concept. The biggest reason for this was that I couldn't fathom having a casual relationship with my child. I felt that it had to be all or nothing, or at least nothing until some far off hazy day in the future when she was grown. I am the eldest of 9 siblings, and have lived in far off states for years. I know exactly what it is like to visit and be the glamorous older sister who comes bearing gifts and takes long walks and lots of pictures. That kind of relationship seemed like too much and too little to have with my child. Chris and Michelle, the adoptive parents, have always been very open and totally respectful. In the beginning, I just wanted to see pictures and have the occasional phone call or email, and they were great about that. They also made it clear that I would be welcome to visit them and spend time with Brigid if I changed my mind about seeing her. I did visit them on the weekend that Brigid turned 4- on her birthday, which is also the weekend of Mother's Day. It was amazing, and I am glad I did. It definitely changed the relationship to meet Brigid as a little girl, as opposed to the memory of the infant that I lost. I am so glad I have memories of her as a four year old, and of taking walks and spending time with her family. I visited again a couple years later with Brigid's birth dad, which was also an important visit. Chris and Michelle have visited my family as well. They live on the other side of the country, so the visits are rare, but then it is rare enough that I get home to see my parents and siblings. I would say that my relationship with Brigid has been very much a relationship with her whole family. When I am visiting, much of my time is spent talking to Chris and Michelle, who have become great friends and very much family to me. They have adopted five kids now, so a lot of time is also spent playing with whole bunches of kids. When I call the family, I talk to Michelle or to Chris, but rarely to Brigid. I feel like so much of the relationship that has developed has been with the family as a whole- and that has been totally healthy. I occasionally send Brigid a package or a letter, but we have not had an intense one-on-one relationship. I fundamentally relate to her as a four year old or seven year old or ten year old relative- in fact, it is similar to the relationship I've had with my younger siblings in some ways after all. And that has been more of a good thing than I could have imagined ten years ago.



2. Have you been accepted into Brigid's parents' extended family or does your relationship stay pretty much within those who live in the household? Also, does your extended family have a relationship with Brigid?

I love Brigid's extended family, and have definitely been accepted by them. The first time I met Chris and Michelle I went to stay with Chris's parents overnight. He is from a huge Irish Catholic family that is very similar to mine in many ways, and the family was incredibly gracious and welcoming and fun. After the visit I got a letter from Chris's sister that was full of love and compassion, and meant a great deal to me. A year after Brigid was born Michelle's sister wrote me a letter, and again it appeared at the exact right time and brought me a great deal of healing and peace. During my first visit to see Chris and Michelle there was a huge Mother's Day Party with Michelle's entire extended family in attendance- grandmothers, great grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. It was great to meet the family, and I cannot express how kind and welcoming and interesting her family is. Chris and Michelle came and stayed for a week when Brigid was born, and we sort of all took care of her for a week. There are pictures of a big family gathering with dozens and dozens of Mother's Day roses for all the mothers. They were great with my siblings, who were little at the time, and they left an amazing impression. After I visited Chris and Michelle, they came to see my family at Christmas the next year. They drove through a blizzard with three little kids to get there, and it was a wonderful visit. Some time after that, Chris's parents visited the farm and me my parents, and got along remarkably well. The grandparents have a great deal in common, from raising big Catholic families (Chris's parents) to farming and raising pigs and chickens and fermenting anything they can get their hands on (Michelle's Dad). Chris and Michelle, their five kids, and Chris's younger sister all attended my wedding a couple years ago. I had invited both sets of grandparents, who were unable to come and very much wished they could have. I spent a lot of time with Brigid at the wedding. The picture at the top of our blog, of all the girls in ballgowns on top of a silo silhouetted against the sky- Brigid is at the foot of that silo, and I am so glad. My grandmothers were both able to meet her, and I know that meant a great great deal to them, as they have been longing to meet her for a long time. There were 250 people at the wedding, so I am pretty sure that they met as much of our extended family as they possibly could- at least until the next great big Slattery wedding.


3. How has Brigid processed the fact that you are now parenting Olympia? How did you explain it to her? Does this fact trouble her? How will you explain it later on to Olympia?

A month after Olympia was born a package came from Brigid's family. Michelle had all of her kids pick out little presents for Olympia. Brigid, who was around 9 at the time, sent three books. Two of them were little Dr. Seuss books, and the third was entitled "Guess How Much I Love You." Brigid wrote a letter, and slipped it into that book. The letter said: Dear Olympia,The top two books you see used to be my favorite books when I was a baby. The third and biggest book expresses my feelings for you even though I've never met you. I hope you look upon these books for the rest of your life as love in disguise from your big sis,Brigid I think that sums up the way that Brigid feels about Olympia. I know that she has pictures of me with Olympia hanging in her room. She definitely is not troubled by the fact that I am parenting Olympia. She is very secure, because she is well loved by secure parents. I believe this will be the case with Olympia as well. I plan on following Michelle's lead in being open and honest and down to earth about the facts of the situation- in fact, I was just talking to Michelle about it at length on the phone last night. Olympia has so many cousins and second cousins and aunts and uncles and Grandparents who live far away, and I think that her relationship with Brigid will naturally follow a similar pattern to the ones she has with the rest of the family. As Michelle pointed out, having a huge and close family living all over the country makes the adoption relationship seem pretty normal to kids.


4. Now that Brigid is older, has she come to you looking for answers as to why you placed her for adoption or have her parents taken care of all of those questions?

She has not come to me looking for answers at all. She hasn't asked a whole lot of questions of Chris and Michelle either- I think because adoption is really normal for her, and because the questions she has have been answered. I am happy to have Chris and Michelle answer her questions, and if she has them for me I'd love to answer them as well. I look forward to having a dialogue some day- and I know that Brigid's birth dad does as well.



5. How difficult has it been for you seeing Brigid's parents parent her differently than you would have chosen? (I'm assuming this happens since everyone parents differently.)



Parenting differences have not been an issue for me at all. I think that Chris and Michelle are amazing parents, and I would love to be as much like them as possible. They have a very similar approach to faith, discipline, family size, and life in general. I've totally taken parenting tips from them.



6. Has your extended family supported you in your decision to place Brigid for adoption or did they try to talk you out of it? If they were completely supportive, do you wish they would have tried to talk you out of it?

My family was supportive of me in my decision to place. My mother in particular felt strongly that adoption was the best option for me, and expressed this opinion. However, I came to the decision very much on my own along with Brigid's birth dad. We did a great deal of research and contemplation and talked about it for many many hours before concluding that it was the best possible thing to do for our child. I am a very strong willed person, and I took total responsibility for becoming pregnant, and for deciding that adoption was the right choice. There is no way anyone could have talked me into adoption- the decision was mine.



7. Do you regret your decision?



I do not. I have sobbed until I couldn't breathe, and struggled with intense guilt, and grieved greatly- but I have never regretted my decision. I knew that I could be a good mother, but there was no way that I could be with her father, or be her father. I wanted my child to be secure and loved by two parents. Adoption was the only way that I could give her that. There have been many times in the past year and a half of raising my daughter Olympia that I have been caught by a moment of joy with my husband and the baby, and every time I have stopped to be grateful that Brigid was raised by two happy, loving, faith filled parents. The experience of adoption has been unbelievably painful at many times, but it has also been full of grace. There has been more grace and love poured out than I could ever have imagined.





Here are Clare, Mary, and Colleen's responses to your questions:



1)Could you have them tell me what they thought when you first told them you were considering adoption and what they thought about open adoption in particular?



2)What do they think of it now? Have their opinions changed?



3)Do they have a relationship with Brigid?4)Do they feel like/treat her like she is their niece just like they do Olympia or does it feel different to them?





Colleen:


1.) I was only 8 when all of this was happening, so I guess I didn't even know that it was an open adoption. I remember knowing that Kate was giving away her baby and she was going to meet the parents. I guess I supposed that all adoptions were that way. It didn't seem strange; it just was what an adoption was to me.



2.) I am very much in favor of open adoption now. Personally, I know that I would never have gotten to meet Brigid had Kate not done an open adoption, and that would have been so sad. My life has been so much more enriched by the whole situation. I now know that it is not the way all adoptions work, but I would prefer it if all adoptions could go as well as Kate's seemed to.


3.)I've met Brigid twice now, and I love her so much! I don't have a personal relationship with her because of the distance she lives away, but I would like to eventually get closer to her. My little sister, Clare, is writing to her, and I might follow suite.



4.)I feel like she is as much my niece as Olympia. It does feel a little bit different just because I do not know her parents extraordinarily well, but I can see the fact that she is a Slattery girl from her very face. I'm so glad that I know her!



Clare:



1. When Kate first got pregnant, I was just a little four year old, so she obviously did not come up to me and say, "Well, Clare, I'm strongly considering adoption." As it was, I didn't even realize that my oldest sister was going to have a baby until she was about 8 months pregnant. I didn't really understand the concept of adoption until the couple who adopted Brigid came to our farm to pick her up.

2. Now that I'm older and I can better understand the situation, I"m just fine with it. Brigid's parents are a great, loving couple. Although sometimes it makes me sad that Brigid lives so far away and I don't get to see her often, I know that the best thing for both Brigid and Kate was for Brigid to be given up for adoption.



3. I have only seen Brigid two times in my life since she was born, and I haven't really kept in contact with her at all until now. Just recently I actually started writing letters to her, because I realized just how little I've connected with her. We are only four years apart, so I'm hoping by our letter writing we will be able to connect much more that we have before.


4. I don't know nearly as much about Brigid as I do my other nieces and as I mentioned before I've hardly ever seen her in person, but I don't think I like any one of my nieces more than her. It's definitely a different kind of relationship, because Brigid lives all the way in California with her adopted family and is the closest in age to me out of all of my nieces, but I love Brigid just as much as them, because whether she's adopted or not, she's still a part of our family. Whenever I tell people my nieces names you can be sure she'll be included in the list, and I have just as many pictures of her on my walls as I do my other nieces. Whether I get to see her every week or not, she'll always be loved just as much as the others in my family. :)

Mary:

Adoption was not an option in my mind. At the time of Kate's pregnancy, I was 14 years old and considered that Kate was all grown up. I was appalled at her choice and kept telling myself that if I were the one expecting, I would never choose adoption. I didn't really have many formed thoughts on adoption at that point, it wasn't something that I knew much about.

2) Well, I spent a year working with teenage girls at a treatment center, a lot of these clients were dealing with adoption issues. I have volunteered at a orphanage in Russia too, so I have seen a wide array of cases on the adoption spectrum. I am highly cynical of adoption being a super positive experience for all parties involved because I have worked with so many kids with attachment disorders. HOWEVER, I consider Kate's situation to be overwhelmingly beautiful and sacred.

3) No I do not

4) Not really, I am super close to my two oldest nieces here in Wisconsin who are actually adopted into my family. I know she must have an aunt somewhere out there who loves her like I love my nieces here. Building a relationship with someone takes time. Someday, I think I will get to know her, but right now I am just happy to know that she has a beautiful family and is healthy, happy and ever so blessed.

If you are intested in reading other pairs of interviews, hop on over to Production, Not Reproduction for the full list of participants. Enjoy!

Adoption Bloggers Interview Project

Next month I'm going to be participating in the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project in honor of National Adoption Month. I'm very excited to get acquainted with a new adoption blogger and to be able to highlight their blog on mine. If any other adoption bloggers are interested in participating there is still time to sign up. Just click on the button at the top of my blog and fill out a registration form and you'll be contacted with the name of your partner.

Speaking of National Adoption Month. . . . I was searching the online card catalog at Hannah's school library and I realized they only had 2, count them, 2 adoption related books and neither of them were current or what I would call quality adoption books. Think using the words "real mom" and "gave her away". So, I decided that rather than complain about it I should do something about it. I emailed the school librarian and offered to donate some quality adoption books to the school library. She was very responsive to this idea and so I set about purchasing copies of some of our favorite adoption books and also one I had heard good things about, but never read. The books we bought were How I was Adopted by JoAnna Cole, Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis (this is one of my favorite), A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kaza, and Lucy's Family Tree by Karen Schreck. The last one was the one we'd never read before and I must say that after reading it I'm glad I bought it as it has significant importance to school related personnel in handling adoption. How about you? Do you you have a favorite adoption book you'd like to share? I'm always up for good book recommendations!

Photo Notes: I just found these pictures on a memory card in my purse from MAY! They are of Hannah and her birthfamily when we visited on our way out to Nebraska from Rhode Island. The first one is of Hannah and her birthsister, Kayla, and the second one is of the two of them with their Grandpa Charlie.

Open Adoption

I don't often blog about adoption anymore since our experiences with adoption just seem like "life" now. We are living an adoption and it's hard to separate the two sometimes. However, on our trip back to Indiana a few weeks ago we unexpectedly got to meet up with Hannah's birth mom, Tiffany, and Hannah's brother and sister. It had been a long day and night, but it seemed so important to see them that I threw all semblance of routine to the wind and we went swimming at 9:30pm (already 2 1/2 hours past Hannah's bedtime!). The kids had a blast and it was so neat to see them truly behaving like siblings. That blood bond is strong no matter what others may try to say. You can't just forget it. It's as important (if not more so) for Hannah to see Kayla and Chase as it is for her to see Tiffany and it's important for the twins to see Hannah too. Because Tiffany has always been open and honest with them they KNOW Hannah is their sister and they proudly claim her. In fact, Tiffany shared with me a story about an interaction between Kayla and one of their neighbors. Apparently the topic of siblings had come up somehow and Kayla mentioned that she had a sister. The neighbor lady corrected and argued with her as Kayla continued to insist that she DID have a sister and her name was Hannah. Kayla explained to the woman the best she could about how Hannah didn't live with them and about the adoption. The woman just couldn't get it and never did believe her. Finally Kayla gave up and said, "Forget it! It's complicated!" It warmed my heart to have affirmation that my little girl has people who claim her, who want her, who simply take for granted that she's theirs. I know that open adoptions are often tricky to navigate, but there's one thing I KNOW for certain is that my little girl will always have her village of people who love and care for her, be they her birth or adoptive family, she'll have them.

Photo Notes: The first two pictures are of Hannah and her siblings swimming at the hotel pool during our most recent visit. The last picture is just a fun one of Hannah sporting one of Kyle's old Ohio State sweatshirts from when he was a kid.

Flower Girl

Last week we traveled back home to Indiana to attend my brother-in-law's wedding. Both Kyle and Hannah were in the wedding-Kyle as the best man and Hannah as the flower girl. I was nervous about this trip for several reasons. First, we were driving. It's a long drive, at least 9 hours, and we intended to drive straight through overnight leaving as soon as Hannah got out of school. Second, it was a Catholic ceremony which meant it would be LONG and Hannah would need to participate the entire time. Third, there would be late nights and long days with no predictable schedule. Fourth, we were driving home the very next day after the wedding on little sleep and with impending sugar high crashes.

I should not have worried. Hannah did brilliantly in all aspects of the trip. She rocked the ceremony, the reception, and both the drives out and back. I was SO PROUD of her. Never in a million years would I have expected our trip to go as smoothly as it did. It truly was amazing. AND since it was so amazing I'm going to regale you all with the play by play of the ENTIRE weekend. Feel free to simply skip all the words and just look at the pictures!

Thursday I picked Hannah up from school and while walking home she crashed face first into the sidewalk and got some pretty spectacular looking scrapes-two on her arms, one on her leg, and one on her nose. Just what we needed two days before having to wear a white dress for the wedding. We eventually made it home and then waited for Kyle to get home from work so we could leave. We hit the road at around 5:00pm which was a little later than we expected, but not too horribly bad. The plan was to drive straight through to Indiana and arrive at the hotel around 3:00am. Well, that didn't happen. We hit some horrible fog that slowed us down dramatically and made Kyle super sleepy. We pulled off at a rest stop and took a little nap to perk ourselves up. While Kyle and I slept for an hour and a half Hannah sat quietly and read! I could not believe it. She won't even let us sleep in on the weekends! She really behaved brilliantly on the trip and we rolled into the hotel at 6:00am local time on Friday morning. Oh, and I almost forgot, we also found out on the drive that Hannah was about to lose a tooth and it was bleeding. Another thing involving blood that we did not need paired with a white dress!

Upon arriving we found that the hotel had given away our room because we did not check in at the appropriate time. I was about to panic since we were pretty much dead on our feet, but the lady at the front desk worked her magic and found us a room that we could have for our entire stay and didn't even charge us for the night we missed or for early check in. I think they must have felt sorry for us because we looked terrible. Once up in the room Kyle and I crashed and slept until 11:00 while Hannah happily watched cartoons. That kid had probably 5 or 6 hours sleep total and she didn't even nap! We then headed out for lunch and errands before the rehearsal. While waiting at the church for the rehearsal to start Hannah happily ran around the sanctuary and played in the holy water of the baptismal. Try as I might I COULD NOT keep her out of that darn water. It became the bane of my existence. After rehearsal we headed to the rehearsal dinner where Hannah got a little wild, but managed to hold it together mostly. At this point it was 9pm and she'd been up since who knows when. She crashed so hard on the way back to the hotel that I was able to get her out of the car, carry/drag her up to the room and take off her clothes and drop her in bed all without her waking up. I haven't been able to manhandle her like that while she was asleep since she was a toddler.

Saturday morning we slept in a bit and then got up and went swimming at the pool. Hannah had a blast and made friends with another little girl who was swimming that was also adopted. While the girls played, I enjoyed chatting with her mama about adoption. After swimming we headed out to get lunch and take it to the church. There we ate and got all gussied up for the wedding. Hannah LOVED being in her dress and holding her basket of flowers. At one point there was a minor crises where she began picking some of her scabs and made herself bleed, but the blood was kept off the white dress thank heavens. And of course there was that darn holy water I had to keep her out of only this time not only was she splashing in it, but she was also dropping flower petals into it! During the ceremony I left her in the charge of one of the bridesmaids and took my seat. She handled the ceremony like a pro and even managed to get a little chuckle out of the audience when she flashed everyone the thumbs up sign as she took her place at the front of the church. It was quite cute watching her sashe down the aisle acting like she owned the place. All eyes were on her and she was in heaven. She managed to stay mostly still and quiet the entire ceremony and stand up and sit down with the rest of the girls at all the appropriate times. I was quite proud of her.

At the reception she was the life of the party. She charmed every person that would look her way. She skillfully made her rounds to all the tables collecting the beanie baby dogs the bride and groom had at each seat for guest favors. She managed to charm her way into the possession of six of those dogs! It was pretty amazing to watch her work. There was a chocolate fountain for dipping fruit and other deserts in and Hannah was in heaven. I'm not sure how it was possible, but from the several gallons of melted chocolate she consumed, only two tiny drops of it manage to make their way onto her dress. Once the dancing began Hannah launched herself onto the floor and danced every single song she was there for. She danced alone or with anyone who would dance with her. She had quite the audience. While at the reception I received several compliments on what a wonderful little girl I had and how she behaved just like a mini adult. If they only knew!

Around 9pm I took Hannah back to the hotel and met up with her birthmom and siblings to swim again. The kids had a blast swimming for about an hour and a half and then we headed back up to our room for some snacks and visiting. We ended up visiting until 1:00am! Hannah was BEAT, but I was so thankful for the opportunity to spend some unexpected time with Tiffany and the twins. Now that we are so far away we have to make the most of every opportunity we get.

Sunday morning we were loaded up and on the road by 10:00am and this time we did manage to drive straight through and got home at about 8:00pm. On the drive home Hannah read an entire chapter book to herself in one sitting, colored about a million pictures, and quietly watched a few movies. She dealt with the boredom like a champ. Really the whole trip she handled like a champ. I couldn't have been happier.

Five Years Old

My baby girl turned 5 years old yesterday. I can't believe the time has gone so quickly. It seems like just yesterday Mike was calling us to tell us that Tiffany had gone into labor and was already at the hospital so we had better get there quick! She was so beautiful. A perfect complexion. Deep blue eyes that were wide open instead of the sleepy newborn daze. A headful of strawberry blonde hair. 10 fingers and 10 toes. LONG legs and gigantic feet. She never did fit into those newborn diapers or newborn clothes people showered us with! Unlike most newborns, she didn't sleep all day. She needed constant stimulation. I cursed all those dispensers of advice that told me to sleep when the baby sleeps. My baby didn't sleep! Little did we know that this was a sign of things to come! She seemed to take in everything from the very start even though all my books said she couldn't see more than a few inches. By a week old she was entranced with the ceiling fan and studied her pacifier with the intensity of a PhD thesis. Yet more signs of what lay ahead! She was stubborn, oh so stubborn and her personality has only grown stronger and more interesting as she has grown. We had some friends who used to joke about Hannah being a "super genius baby" because she just seemed to know everything. Speaking before most kids were saying even their first words. Conjugating verbs correctly before her peers were putting 2 words together. Little did we know how right they would be. Sarah and Jason, you guys called it for sure.

She's had many struggles as she grown, but now when I look at my beautiful, precious little girl I'm so proud of the young lady she's become. I don't know what I would ever do without her. I thank God every single night for bringing us together with Tiffany and Mike and making us parents of this absolutely amazing little girl.

I leave you know with a multitude of pictures of my baby girl from each year of her life! Enjoy!

Transistion

The move has been rough on Hannah. There has been a resurgence in old behaviors and an increase in current ones. Twice she's peed in her closet (why is it always the closet by the way) not because she had to go to the bathroom, but because she was mad at me. The hitting, kicking, biting, scratching, screaming, and shouting nasty words is at an all time high. The bigger she gets, the harder that is to manage. She is just so strong! She seems to be perpetually angry and has zero impulse control when her hair trigger is activated.

Shortly after we moved in I took her to the Omaha Zoo by myself. We used to go to the Rhode Island Zoo by ourselves all the time so I thought nothing of doing it. Well, this zoo is a lot bigger than our old zoo and requires much more walking. At one point Hannah's whining reached critical mass and she just freaked out. When I suggested we call it a day and come back another time that freak out turned into a full fledged meltdown. I ended up having to drag her close to 2 miles (most of it uphill) back to the van while she screamed, hit, kicked, scratched, and bit me. Let me tell you I got plenty of dirty looks that day. Only one kindly person offered me a smile and the encouraging words of, "It looks like someone is having a rough day," the entire way! I'm actually surprised no one called security thinking I was trying to kidnap her, she was putting up such a fuss. Even though it was a crisp spring day, I was drenched in sweat by the time we reached the van. The workout I received wrestling her back to the parking lot rivaled anything I ever did while on the P90X program! Try it if you dare. It's guaranteed to melt the pounds away!

She snuck out of the house during nap time and went visiting around the neighborhood. The scary part was that she even crossed the street and was on her way up to the next street when Kyle found her! Another scary part is that two of our neighbors that she chose to go visit actually saw and spoke with her, but neither of them called us to let her know she was off wandering. Seriously, who thinks it's ok for a 4 1/2 yr old to be off on her own running the streets?!? When I went looking for her I was in a panic after having searched the house and not been able to find her. At first I thought she was hiding in the house since she's prone to doing that. The new house is much bigger than the old one and it took me much longer to search thoroughly and that wasted precious time. Our property is also much larger and very wooded, as is the whole neighborhood so she could have also been hiding nearby outside and I not been able to immediately see her. I was on the verge of calling the police when Kyle came walking up the driveway with her. He found her at the very edge of our property on her way up to the next neighborhood! After that little episode we made the tough decision to put a lock back on her door. We were hoping that we wouldn't have to do that here. She's almost five and should be able to be trusted to stay in the house. We also live in a much quieter area and I thought even if she managed to get outside she'd be ok as long as she stayed on the property. That day she proved she wouldn't just stay on the property!

Back last year when Hannah had her latest psych eval, along with her Disruptive Behavior Disorder-NOS, Pediatric Bipolar and ADHD were listed as rule out disorders to watch because she had many warning signs of both, but the teacher evaluations did not match the home evaluations. Over the last 6 months or so we've seen a marked increase in impulsive behavior. In fact the girl barely has ANY impulse control at all (for good OR bad actions). She's never really been one to learn from her mistakes and the consequences we give for her choices never seem to make any difference in future choices so we are really starting to suspect that an ADHD diagnosis may be tacked on in the not so distant future. Her birth brother also has this diagnosis so it's not too big of a surprise and the more and more I learn about ADHD and it's characteristics, the things I thought disqualified Hannah from the diagnosis don't disqualify her at all. At the moment, all attempts at behavior modification are failing and I think it's beginning to affect her self esteem. I think she's starting to FEEL as if she is a bad girl. That is something I really DO NOT WANT. I know she is a good girl. She just can't seem to help herself sometimes. All this makes me wonder if an ADHD diagnosis comes if we should consider medication. I never thought I'd ever consider it for her for pretty much any reason, but I want her to be happy and right now she's just not. She can't control her actions and I imagine that is pretty frustrating. Have any of you ever considered/used any of the ADHD medications for your children? What factors went into your decision to try/not try them? What were your family's experiences with them?

On the positive side, Hannah's academics of course continue to accelerate. Lately she's been working on the phrasing aspect of her reading fluency and has made huge leaps! She reads with barely a thought about decoding and when she does mess up phrasing she notices and goes back and rereads the section until it sounds right. Addition and subtraction of the numbers less than 10 have pretty much become automatic for her. Counting change is also pretty much automatic. I think we are going to move up to paper money and larger amounts of change (several dollars worth of change) soon. She's cruising through a first grade math textbook with ease at the moment and we haven't really hit anything she hasn't mastered yet. Her vocabulary continues to increase and makes her sound much older than she is. Combine that with the fact that she just had her well child check up and she was in the 99.7th percentile for height and we've had multiple people suggesting that she must be in 2nd or 3rd grade lately! They are always astonished when Hannah informs them she hasn't quite turned 5 yet and she'll start kindergarten in the fall. Her fine motor coordination is also improving and her handwriting has improved drastically. Her coloring is much better too although she still hates to color. She's begun mostly using upper and lower case letters properly when she writes although she'd still rather write in all upper case. She still has several number reversals that we are working on (2, 7, 5, and 9), but the numbers themselves are formed correctly. They are just facing the wrong way! That's totally age appropriate so I'm not concerned in the least. Her spelling is getting much better and she's memorized how to spell many of the unusually spelled common sight words and is beginning to learn some of the more common spelling patterns beyond CvC and vCe. She's really into writing lists and stories at the moment and has begun writing her own chapter book. Now her idea of a chapter consists of only 2 sentences, but hey it's her book!

We've met 3 families in our neighborhood/town that have children around Hannah's age and have had play dates with them all so far. Two of those families have kids that will go to the same school as Hannah so that is a huge plus. AND one little girl (who unfortunately won't go to Hannah's school, but IS starting kindergarten next fall) lives basically next door. Our property extends quite a ways up the street we live on away from our house and all the way up to directly across from her house. We are hoping for lots of play dates with her this summer. One of the other families we mentioned invited us to attend the local festival with them and also invited Hannah to join their sons' team for a jr firefighters' water fight. It was AWESOME! Hannah had a blast. She watched the parade, climbed trees with the boys, and of course participated in the water fight. The actual competition is difficult to explain so I'll have to post pictures of it instead. After the kids' competition we watched the adult firefighters do their competition. Imagine what you see the kids doing in the picture being done with fully dressed firefighters and fire hoses! It was awesome to watch.

Photo Notes: The pictures are from painting Hannah's new room. The room was originally a dark forrest green. It was very pretty and well done, but hardly a little girl's room. Hannah also had been asking for a blue room for a year so we decided to give it a try. Kyle did a great job on it and Hannah even helped with the first coat of paint. The last picture is from the water fight. I'll post more pictures from that in my next post.