Hannah has recently begun asking some heavy questions about her adoption. We have an open adoption with Hannah's birthfamily so we've always discussed Hannah's adoption with her. I knew that eventually Hannah would have questions about exactly why she was adopted, why Tiffany and Mike did not choose to be her Mommy and Daddy, why Tiffany was Kayla and Chase's Mommy AND birthmother, but only her birthmother. I knew these questions would come. I've been preparing for them, but I didn't expect for her questions to come quite this early. I thought that by being so open with Hannah about her adoption we'd have the basics covered for quite some time and that the deeper questions wouldn't come until later-much later so the answers I'd been preparing and the questions I'd been anticipating weren't age appropriate for a 3 year old. I shouldn't have been so naive. A few
weeks ago I was reading Hannah's adoption story with her. On one page it describes how Tiffany and Mike were sad to say good-bye to Hannah when we all left the hospital after her birth and it shows a picture of Tiffany holding Hannah and wiping away a tear. After we read that page Hannah looked right at me and asked, "Why were they sad to say good-bye? We visit each other." I wasn't prepared to explain to a 3 year old how Tiffany could KNOW she was making the right decision, but at the same time be sad that she was unable to make a different decision. I wasn't prepared to explain that just because she wanted to be Hannah's Mommy she couldn't handle it at that point in her life and that made her sad. I 
wasn't able to verbalize that she was content with her decision and happy that she would have ongoing contact with Hannah, but that in an ideal world that wasn't enough. In an ideal world Tiffany would have been able to parent Hannah herself. Those are just things that are too complicated to explain to a 3 year old, even a bright one. I stumbled and stuttered around the question for a bit and then finally settled on this explanation. I'm not sure it was the right one to give, but it seemed to satisfy her for the time being. I told her that she was sad because she wished that she could see Hannah every day instead of just for visits. I said that sometimes when people love us they wish they could spend as much time as possible with us and Tiffany knew that she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with her as she would have liked.
weeks ago I was reading Hannah's adoption story with her. On one page it describes how Tiffany and Mike were sad to say good-bye to Hannah when we all left the hospital after her birth and it shows a picture of Tiffany holding Hannah and wiping away a tear. After we read that page Hannah looked right at me and asked, "Why were they sad to say good-bye? We visit each other." I wasn't prepared to explain to a 3 year old how Tiffany could KNOW she was making the right decision, but at the same time be sad that she was unable to make a different decision. I wasn't prepared to explain that just because she wanted to be Hannah's Mommy she couldn't handle it at that point in her life and that made her sad. I 
wasn't able to verbalize that she was content with her decision and happy that she would have ongoing contact with Hannah, but that in an ideal world that wasn't enough. In an ideal world Tiffany would have been able to parent Hannah herself. Those are just things that are too complicated to explain to a 3 year old, even a bright one. I stumbled and stuttered around the question for a bit and then finally settled on this explanation. I'm not sure it was the right one to give, but it seemed to satisfy her for the time being. I told her that she was sad because she wished that she could see Hannah every day instead of just for visits. I said that sometimes when people love us they wish they could spend as much time as possible with us and Tiffany knew that she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with her as she would have liked. 
2 comments:
yah, good luck navigating these new questions. it's particularly difficult since there's no way to know exactly what to say, how to proceed. it can be difficult terrain, but she'll sense your honest and love and that will help her gain a perspective on everything. hope you guys are having a good week, take care.
I'd recommend the book Why Was I Adopted? It talks about all of the different ways a child can be adopted.
Lindsey Petersen
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