Interview With Betty Anne

This year I participated in the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project again.  I was paired with an amazing birthmother (or tummy mommy as her daughter refers to her) named Betty Anne Davidson who blogs at http://bettyannescott.blogspot.com/  Betty Anne placed her daughter Chloe for adoption 7 years ago and has an open adoption with her  parents.  She and her husband Scott  now have a son, James, who  is a year and a half old, as well as a new baby girl that is due to be born ANY DAY!  Please head on over to her blog and show her some blog love (and to check out the tons of sweet new baby pictures that I'm sure will appear shortly!).  She blogs about adoption, motherhood, and life in general as a NICU nurse. 

Check out the other bloggers who participated in the interview project by going to the link below. 
http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2012/11/adoption-blogger-interview-project.html


1. What kind of a relationship do you have with Chloe? How often do you have contact and what kind?

Hmm...great question. I would describe our relationship as "acquaintances". She knows who I am. I know who she is. We hear lots ABOUT each other, but we don't really know each other all that well. Her parents have very open conversations with her about me whenever Chloe asks a question. I really appreciate their openness with her. It seems to me that she knows talking about me, or adoption, is not a taboo subject at all. It's part of her life story.

We see each other 2-3 times a year. Sometimes we (Chloe and her family, me and my family) meet up somewhere, like a park, and have a picnic and hang out for a few hours. Last year I went to their house (about 30 minutes from mine) to watch a Christmas parade. In the earlier years of her life, I went to their house frequently for game nights and other social gatherings. Her and her family came to my wedding, which meant THE WORLD to me


  2. Do you wish you had more/less contact with her or are you happy with the amount of contact you have now?

I definitely wish I had more interaction with her than I do. She's this little person that has impacted my life more than anyone else on the planet and I want to know all about her. However, if I want to know her and I want to her to know me, we have to spend some time together! Hearing OF each other through mutual people isn't quite enough to have our own relationship. (Her mom and I talk and text way more frequently than we actually get together.) I feel it's important to mention that I can't blame anybody but myself for the amount of time I do or do not spend with Chloe. She is very, very available to me. She doesn't live far away. Her parents are reeeeally open to her having a relationship with me. The only barriers are time and effort. When Chloe was younger, I was single. I spent a lot more time with her then. Now that I'm married, working, and have a family of my own, time gets away from me. I hope and pray that our lack of face to face time doesn't translate to her as a lack of caring or interest on my part.


3. Has Chloe asked why you placed her for adoption? If so, how old was she when she asked and did you or her adoptive parents answer her? What was their/your answer?

She hasn't asked that yet. At least not of me. I'm not sure if her mom has fielded such a question in their many conversations about adoption. I look forward to the day she asks me this and DREAD that day all at the same time. My fear is that she won't understand. That she'll believe the lie that "I just didn't want her." That is so ridiculously absurd and couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is that I wanted more for her than I could provide at that time. I wanted a stable home environment with a mom AND a dad. Her mom may argue with me over this, but I believe I could have done the mother-role as well as her mom does. What I couldn't offer her, though, was the modeling of a healthy relationship with a husband, or a healthy relationship with a dad. Besides my inability to financially and emotionally provide for Chloe and I, the father/daughter relationship played a HUGE role in my decision to place Chloe for adoption.


4. What kind of a relationship do you have with Chloe's parents? How often do you talk/see each other?You mention in your blog that you met them through your parents' church.  Do you still go to the same church?

I cannot say enough kind things about Chloe's parents. They are such incredibly giving, gracious, loving people. They allowed me to be so involved with Chloe the first year, which meant the world to me. They didn't seem to feel "threatened" by me having a relationship with Chloe directly. That speaks volumes to me about them. Melissa, Chloe's mom, and I touch base mostly through email and texting. We usually reconnect every 2 or 3 months or so. We don't all go to the same church anymore.


5. What kind of a relationship do your parents have with Chloe and her parents?

Chloe and her brother Shiloh both call my parents Meemaw and Poopah, just like my nieces do. They have grown up knowing my parents as another set of grandparents, although I'm sure the relationship connection is a little fuzzy to them. My mom provided child care for Shiloh and Chloe at various points. (ex: 1 or 2 days/week for a few months when Chloe was a baby. then 1 day every other week when Chloe was 6 or 7.) I love that my parents have gained another grandson through their relationship with Chloe and her parents. My parents knew Alvin and Melissa before I did. It was through their connection at church that I was able to know of them and picked them as parents for Chloe.


6. What does Chloe call you? Did you choose the name, her parents, or Chloe herself?

Chloe calls me Betty Anne. In her first few months of life, Chloe's parents and I had that conversation. They asked me what I wanted her to call me. Without hesitation I answered "Betty Anne". I didn't want to be labeled an "Aunt" or "Cousin" or some other relative that I really wasn't. I absolutely wasn't comfortable with "mom", because I didn't feel that was true of our relationship. She grew in my belly. I birthed her. Yes, that makes me her biological mother. But to me, "mom" is a term for whoever is there at 2am holding and rocking the crying child, making day to day parenting decisions on behalf of the child. That's not me. So we settled on her calling me by name. I think her parents do use the term "birthmother" as well when describing our relationship. In the past few years sometime, Chloe took a liking to the term "tummy mommy", as she understood she grew in my tummy before living with her parents.


7. Does Chloe wonder why she was adopted, but James and new baby on the way were not? How have you/do you plan to explain that to her?

If she hasn't already wondered this, I'm sure she will at some point. I think it's a great question and I hope she asks me one day. As I explained (in question 3), it all had to do with life circumstances at the time she was born. I'm now in a place (stable home, financially secure--or at least MORE so than before!, emotionally much more stable, married to an amazing man) to provide a loving home to a child. I think as a young adult, she will be able to understand this. I don't know, though, about her comprehension of this at age 8. Everything is so concrete to 8 year olds!


8. What has helped you cope during your hardest moments of grief?

Faith, supportive family and friends, reading adoption related blogs online, and TIME. These things all have played an important role in helping me get through the really rough days.


9. Have you ever wished you made a different decision or regretted the decision you did make?

Yes and no. I have always felt very assured of the decision I made to place Chloe for adoption, but that has certainly been painful at times. The day I left the hospital without Chloe was without a doubt the worst day of my life. It was so unnatural. It hurt.so.badly. I wanted to get her back to ease the pain! But at the same time, I knew that the decision I made was the right one, and "getting her back" wasn't in her best interests, it would just serve my own needs better. So I cried and mourned the loss of raising this incredible child. And (like I mentioned in #8) through faith, supportive family and friends and reading about other people's adoption stories online, time passed and the pain eased up significantly. With each passing year, the pain subsided a little and peace and contentment prevailed about the situation and my decision. Then I got married. Sometime during the first year, I was taken aback by my renewed grief and sadness I felt about Chloe. I think what was happening was that I knew beyond any doubt that I could not parent a newborn at the time I had Chloe. However, 4 years later when I got married and was in a much more stable situation, I could parent a 4 year old. I had to remind myself that if it was the right decision to place Chloe for adoption when she was born, it was still the right decision 4 years later. After repeating that to myself over and over, peace and contentment returned.


10. What does your husband think about open adoption?

Based on my husband's grunting answer from the couch just now, I guess we'll skip this question. Short answer: he's for it. But apparently he's not interested in elaborating at this time. :)


11. In your job as a NICU nurse, have you ever had the opportunity to counsel other women facing the same tough decisions as you did?

I have encountered a few birth mothers in my nursing career thus far. I haven't really shared my story with any of them because I wasn't sure of the appropriateness of that (since this is my place of employment and usually I was caring for the birth mother's baby). In each case I made sure the social worker involved with the birth mother knew that I was more than willing to talk with them or just listen.

Adoption Interview Project: Interview with Kate

For the Adoption Interview Project I was paired with Kate at Sweet Ridge Sisters . Kate blogs there with her 3 sisters (who also graciously agreed to be interviewed as well even though they are not directly involved in adoption) about life on the farm and in the city. Kate has two daughters, Brigid and Olympia, the oldest of whom she placed for open adoption 10 years ago. She writes often about parenting and being a mother and birthmother. Please hop on over to Sweet Ridge Sisters and give Kate and her sisters a little blog love! So, without further ado, here is my interview with Kate.




1. Tell me about your relationship with Brigid. How has it changed as she has grown older?

Let me begin by telling you that when I first read about open adoption while I was pregnant with Brigid, I was completely turned off by the concept. The biggest reason for this was that I couldn't fathom having a casual relationship with my child. I felt that it had to be all or nothing, or at least nothing until some far off hazy day in the future when she was grown. I am the eldest of 9 siblings, and have lived in far off states for years. I know exactly what it is like to visit and be the glamorous older sister who comes bearing gifts and takes long walks and lots of pictures. That kind of relationship seemed like too much and too little to have with my child. Chris and Michelle, the adoptive parents, have always been very open and totally respectful. In the beginning, I just wanted to see pictures and have the occasional phone call or email, and they were great about that. They also made it clear that I would be welcome to visit them and spend time with Brigid if I changed my mind about seeing her. I did visit them on the weekend that Brigid turned 4- on her birthday, which is also the weekend of Mother's Day. It was amazing, and I am glad I did. It definitely changed the relationship to meet Brigid as a little girl, as opposed to the memory of the infant that I lost. I am so glad I have memories of her as a four year old, and of taking walks and spending time with her family. I visited again a couple years later with Brigid's birth dad, which was also an important visit. Chris and Michelle have visited my family as well. They live on the other side of the country, so the visits are rare, but then it is rare enough that I get home to see my parents and siblings. I would say that my relationship with Brigid has been very much a relationship with her whole family. When I am visiting, much of my time is spent talking to Chris and Michelle, who have become great friends and very much family to me. They have adopted five kids now, so a lot of time is also spent playing with whole bunches of kids. When I call the family, I talk to Michelle or to Chris, but rarely to Brigid. I feel like so much of the relationship that has developed has been with the family as a whole- and that has been totally healthy. I occasionally send Brigid a package or a letter, but we have not had an intense one-on-one relationship. I fundamentally relate to her as a four year old or seven year old or ten year old relative- in fact, it is similar to the relationship I've had with my younger siblings in some ways after all. And that has been more of a good thing than I could have imagined ten years ago.



2. Have you been accepted into Brigid's parents' extended family or does your relationship stay pretty much within those who live in the household? Also, does your extended family have a relationship with Brigid?

I love Brigid's extended family, and have definitely been accepted by them. The first time I met Chris and Michelle I went to stay with Chris's parents overnight. He is from a huge Irish Catholic family that is very similar to mine in many ways, and the family was incredibly gracious and welcoming and fun. After the visit I got a letter from Chris's sister that was full of love and compassion, and meant a great deal to me. A year after Brigid was born Michelle's sister wrote me a letter, and again it appeared at the exact right time and brought me a great deal of healing and peace. During my first visit to see Chris and Michelle there was a huge Mother's Day Party with Michelle's entire extended family in attendance- grandmothers, great grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. It was great to meet the family, and I cannot express how kind and welcoming and interesting her family is. Chris and Michelle came and stayed for a week when Brigid was born, and we sort of all took care of her for a week. There are pictures of a big family gathering with dozens and dozens of Mother's Day roses for all the mothers. They were great with my siblings, who were little at the time, and they left an amazing impression. After I visited Chris and Michelle, they came to see my family at Christmas the next year. They drove through a blizzard with three little kids to get there, and it was a wonderful visit. Some time after that, Chris's parents visited the farm and me my parents, and got along remarkably well. The grandparents have a great deal in common, from raising big Catholic families (Chris's parents) to farming and raising pigs and chickens and fermenting anything they can get their hands on (Michelle's Dad). Chris and Michelle, their five kids, and Chris's younger sister all attended my wedding a couple years ago. I had invited both sets of grandparents, who were unable to come and very much wished they could have. I spent a lot of time with Brigid at the wedding. The picture at the top of our blog, of all the girls in ballgowns on top of a silo silhouetted against the sky- Brigid is at the foot of that silo, and I am so glad. My grandmothers were both able to meet her, and I know that meant a great great deal to them, as they have been longing to meet her for a long time. There were 250 people at the wedding, so I am pretty sure that they met as much of our extended family as they possibly could- at least until the next great big Slattery wedding.


3. How has Brigid processed the fact that you are now parenting Olympia? How did you explain it to her? Does this fact trouble her? How will you explain it later on to Olympia?

A month after Olympia was born a package came from Brigid's family. Michelle had all of her kids pick out little presents for Olympia. Brigid, who was around 9 at the time, sent three books. Two of them were little Dr. Seuss books, and the third was entitled "Guess How Much I Love You." Brigid wrote a letter, and slipped it into that book. The letter said: Dear Olympia,The top two books you see used to be my favorite books when I was a baby. The third and biggest book expresses my feelings for you even though I've never met you. I hope you look upon these books for the rest of your life as love in disguise from your big sis,Brigid I think that sums up the way that Brigid feels about Olympia. I know that she has pictures of me with Olympia hanging in her room. She definitely is not troubled by the fact that I am parenting Olympia. She is very secure, because she is well loved by secure parents. I believe this will be the case with Olympia as well. I plan on following Michelle's lead in being open and honest and down to earth about the facts of the situation- in fact, I was just talking to Michelle about it at length on the phone last night. Olympia has so many cousins and second cousins and aunts and uncles and Grandparents who live far away, and I think that her relationship with Brigid will naturally follow a similar pattern to the ones she has with the rest of the family. As Michelle pointed out, having a huge and close family living all over the country makes the adoption relationship seem pretty normal to kids.


4. Now that Brigid is older, has she come to you looking for answers as to why you placed her for adoption or have her parents taken care of all of those questions?

She has not come to me looking for answers at all. She hasn't asked a whole lot of questions of Chris and Michelle either- I think because adoption is really normal for her, and because the questions she has have been answered. I am happy to have Chris and Michelle answer her questions, and if she has them for me I'd love to answer them as well. I look forward to having a dialogue some day- and I know that Brigid's birth dad does as well.



5. How difficult has it been for you seeing Brigid's parents parent her differently than you would have chosen? (I'm assuming this happens since everyone parents differently.)



Parenting differences have not been an issue for me at all. I think that Chris and Michelle are amazing parents, and I would love to be as much like them as possible. They have a very similar approach to faith, discipline, family size, and life in general. I've totally taken parenting tips from them.



6. Has your extended family supported you in your decision to place Brigid for adoption or did they try to talk you out of it? If they were completely supportive, do you wish they would have tried to talk you out of it?

My family was supportive of me in my decision to place. My mother in particular felt strongly that adoption was the best option for me, and expressed this opinion. However, I came to the decision very much on my own along with Brigid's birth dad. We did a great deal of research and contemplation and talked about it for many many hours before concluding that it was the best possible thing to do for our child. I am a very strong willed person, and I took total responsibility for becoming pregnant, and for deciding that adoption was the right choice. There is no way anyone could have talked me into adoption- the decision was mine.



7. Do you regret your decision?



I do not. I have sobbed until I couldn't breathe, and struggled with intense guilt, and grieved greatly- but I have never regretted my decision. I knew that I could be a good mother, but there was no way that I could be with her father, or be her father. I wanted my child to be secure and loved by two parents. Adoption was the only way that I could give her that. There have been many times in the past year and a half of raising my daughter Olympia that I have been caught by a moment of joy with my husband and the baby, and every time I have stopped to be grateful that Brigid was raised by two happy, loving, faith filled parents. The experience of adoption has been unbelievably painful at many times, but it has also been full of grace. There has been more grace and love poured out than I could ever have imagined.





Here are Clare, Mary, and Colleen's responses to your questions:



1)Could you have them tell me what they thought when you first told them you were considering adoption and what they thought about open adoption in particular?



2)What do they think of it now? Have their opinions changed?



3)Do they have a relationship with Brigid?4)Do they feel like/treat her like she is their niece just like they do Olympia or does it feel different to them?





Colleen:


1.) I was only 8 when all of this was happening, so I guess I didn't even know that it was an open adoption. I remember knowing that Kate was giving away her baby and she was going to meet the parents. I guess I supposed that all adoptions were that way. It didn't seem strange; it just was what an adoption was to me.



2.) I am very much in favor of open adoption now. Personally, I know that I would never have gotten to meet Brigid had Kate not done an open adoption, and that would have been so sad. My life has been so much more enriched by the whole situation. I now know that it is not the way all adoptions work, but I would prefer it if all adoptions could go as well as Kate's seemed to.


3.)I've met Brigid twice now, and I love her so much! I don't have a personal relationship with her because of the distance she lives away, but I would like to eventually get closer to her. My little sister, Clare, is writing to her, and I might follow suite.



4.)I feel like she is as much my niece as Olympia. It does feel a little bit different just because I do not know her parents extraordinarily well, but I can see the fact that she is a Slattery girl from her very face. I'm so glad that I know her!



Clare:



1. When Kate first got pregnant, I was just a little four year old, so she obviously did not come up to me and say, "Well, Clare, I'm strongly considering adoption." As it was, I didn't even realize that my oldest sister was going to have a baby until she was about 8 months pregnant. I didn't really understand the concept of adoption until the couple who adopted Brigid came to our farm to pick her up.

2. Now that I'm older and I can better understand the situation, I"m just fine with it. Brigid's parents are a great, loving couple. Although sometimes it makes me sad that Brigid lives so far away and I don't get to see her often, I know that the best thing for both Brigid and Kate was for Brigid to be given up for adoption.



3. I have only seen Brigid two times in my life since she was born, and I haven't really kept in contact with her at all until now. Just recently I actually started writing letters to her, because I realized just how little I've connected with her. We are only four years apart, so I'm hoping by our letter writing we will be able to connect much more that we have before.


4. I don't know nearly as much about Brigid as I do my other nieces and as I mentioned before I've hardly ever seen her in person, but I don't think I like any one of my nieces more than her. It's definitely a different kind of relationship, because Brigid lives all the way in California with her adopted family and is the closest in age to me out of all of my nieces, but I love Brigid just as much as them, because whether she's adopted or not, she's still a part of our family. Whenever I tell people my nieces names you can be sure she'll be included in the list, and I have just as many pictures of her on my walls as I do my other nieces. Whether I get to see her every week or not, she'll always be loved just as much as the others in my family. :)

Mary:

Adoption was not an option in my mind. At the time of Kate's pregnancy, I was 14 years old and considered that Kate was all grown up. I was appalled at her choice and kept telling myself that if I were the one expecting, I would never choose adoption. I didn't really have many formed thoughts on adoption at that point, it wasn't something that I knew much about.

2) Well, I spent a year working with teenage girls at a treatment center, a lot of these clients were dealing with adoption issues. I have volunteered at a orphanage in Russia too, so I have seen a wide array of cases on the adoption spectrum. I am highly cynical of adoption being a super positive experience for all parties involved because I have worked with so many kids with attachment disorders. HOWEVER, I consider Kate's situation to be overwhelmingly beautiful and sacred.

3) No I do not

4) Not really, I am super close to my two oldest nieces here in Wisconsin who are actually adopted into my family. I know she must have an aunt somewhere out there who loves her like I love my nieces here. Building a relationship with someone takes time. Someday, I think I will get to know her, but right now I am just happy to know that she has a beautiful family and is healthy, happy and ever so blessed.

If you are intested in reading other pairs of interviews, hop on over to Production, Not Reproduction for the full list of participants. Enjoy!

Tooth Fairy

The tooth fairy finally made her first visit to our house last week. During our trip back to Indiana for Kevin's wedding we noticed that Hannah's permanent tooth had begun coming in behind her baby tooth. We were worried there would be a big gap in her mouth for all the wedding pictures, but that baby tooth held on. It finally agreed to come out one night last week and boy was Hannah excited about the impending visit from the tooth fairy. I bet she checked on her tooth a dozen times after she placed it under her pillow. The tooth fairy left her a shiny new half dollar and she was pleased as punch. A few days before it finally fell out we noticed that the tooth next door to it was also already coming through and it didn't seem loose at all. Now it seems to be at least a little bit loose so I'm not going to get too worried about it yet unless that adult tooth starts to get big and we haven't made any progress in getting the baby tooth out. Tiffany, Hannah's birthmom, said that the twins' teeth did the same thing and they never had to have any of them pulled so that is an encouraging sign. This must just be a genetic thing that runs in her family.

We had our homestudy visit this week and it went very well. We were disappointed to learn, however, that it would be after the first of the year before our finger prints were cleared and our homestudy finalized. Hannah was actually mad about it. She shouted at me, "I want kids NOW!" I couldn't help but think, "My thoughts exactly!" It is a bit frustrating to just sit and wait on the government red tape when we know via our social worker that they are really struggling to find homes to place children in in our area right now. We are ready and willing, but can't take a placement until the government takes it sweet time to process our finger prints. UGH!

Hannah continues to do well in school. Her teachers are really good about staying on top of her behaviors and she's getting plenty of academic challenge. Yesterday I actually just got an email from her teacher to let me know that Hannah had tested out of all of the sight word lists to meet the benchmarks for the entire school! This means that for the next 3 years she won't ever need to be assessed on them again because she passed the kindergarten, first grade, second grade, and third grade tests! Way to go Hannah! We weren't really surprised since when the lists came home to practice Hannah didn't have to practice. She said every single word correctly the first time on all 30 lists. Still, it's good to know that she's displaying her knowledge at school as well as at home since that hasn't always been the case with her. In math she continues to get faster and faster at adding and subtracting and has also been working on word problems where she has to decide whether or not she needs to add or subtract to get the answer. She also likes to find the missing sign in equations. Her spelling and writing continues to improve and I'm often blown away by the number of words she just "knows" how to spell without having to sound them out. She can also spell many of the sight words that you can't sound out. Her comprehension skill of retelling a story is also improving. At the beginning of the year she was not only below her actual reading level of 3rd grade in this skill, but she was actually below her grade level on it. Now she's above grade level on retelling, but not quite up to her current reading level yet. We'll keep working on it.

Open Adoption

I don't often blog about adoption anymore since our experiences with adoption just seem like "life" now. We are living an adoption and it's hard to separate the two sometimes. However, on our trip back to Indiana a few weeks ago we unexpectedly got to meet up with Hannah's birth mom, Tiffany, and Hannah's brother and sister. It had been a long day and night, but it seemed so important to see them that I threw all semblance of routine to the wind and we went swimming at 9:30pm (already 2 1/2 hours past Hannah's bedtime!). The kids had a blast and it was so neat to see them truly behaving like siblings. That blood bond is strong no matter what others may try to say. You can't just forget it. It's as important (if not more so) for Hannah to see Kayla and Chase as it is for her to see Tiffany and it's important for the twins to see Hannah too. Because Tiffany has always been open and honest with them they KNOW Hannah is their sister and they proudly claim her. In fact, Tiffany shared with me a story about an interaction between Kayla and one of their neighbors. Apparently the topic of siblings had come up somehow and Kayla mentioned that she had a sister. The neighbor lady corrected and argued with her as Kayla continued to insist that she DID have a sister and her name was Hannah. Kayla explained to the woman the best she could about how Hannah didn't live with them and about the adoption. The woman just couldn't get it and never did believe her. Finally Kayla gave up and said, "Forget it! It's complicated!" It warmed my heart to have affirmation that my little girl has people who claim her, who want her, who simply take for granted that she's theirs. I know that open adoptions are often tricky to navigate, but there's one thing I KNOW for certain is that my little girl will always have her village of people who love and care for her, be they her birth or adoptive family, she'll have them.

Photo Notes: The first two pictures are of Hannah and her siblings swimming at the hotel pool during our most recent visit. The last picture is just a fun one of Hannah sporting one of Kyle's old Ohio State sweatshirts from when he was a kid.

Flower Girl

Last week we traveled back home to Indiana to attend my brother-in-law's wedding. Both Kyle and Hannah were in the wedding-Kyle as the best man and Hannah as the flower girl. I was nervous about this trip for several reasons. First, we were driving. It's a long drive, at least 9 hours, and we intended to drive straight through overnight leaving as soon as Hannah got out of school. Second, it was a Catholic ceremony which meant it would be LONG and Hannah would need to participate the entire time. Third, there would be late nights and long days with no predictable schedule. Fourth, we were driving home the very next day after the wedding on little sleep and with impending sugar high crashes.

I should not have worried. Hannah did brilliantly in all aspects of the trip. She rocked the ceremony, the reception, and both the drives out and back. I was SO PROUD of her. Never in a million years would I have expected our trip to go as smoothly as it did. It truly was amazing. AND since it was so amazing I'm going to regale you all with the play by play of the ENTIRE weekend. Feel free to simply skip all the words and just look at the pictures!

Thursday I picked Hannah up from school and while walking home she crashed face first into the sidewalk and got some pretty spectacular looking scrapes-two on her arms, one on her leg, and one on her nose. Just what we needed two days before having to wear a white dress for the wedding. We eventually made it home and then waited for Kyle to get home from work so we could leave. We hit the road at around 5:00pm which was a little later than we expected, but not too horribly bad. The plan was to drive straight through to Indiana and arrive at the hotel around 3:00am. Well, that didn't happen. We hit some horrible fog that slowed us down dramatically and made Kyle super sleepy. We pulled off at a rest stop and took a little nap to perk ourselves up. While Kyle and I slept for an hour and a half Hannah sat quietly and read! I could not believe it. She won't even let us sleep in on the weekends! She really behaved brilliantly on the trip and we rolled into the hotel at 6:00am local time on Friday morning. Oh, and I almost forgot, we also found out on the drive that Hannah was about to lose a tooth and it was bleeding. Another thing involving blood that we did not need paired with a white dress!

Upon arriving we found that the hotel had given away our room because we did not check in at the appropriate time. I was about to panic since we were pretty much dead on our feet, but the lady at the front desk worked her magic and found us a room that we could have for our entire stay and didn't even charge us for the night we missed or for early check in. I think they must have felt sorry for us because we looked terrible. Once up in the room Kyle and I crashed and slept until 11:00 while Hannah happily watched cartoons. That kid had probably 5 or 6 hours sleep total and she didn't even nap! We then headed out for lunch and errands before the rehearsal. While waiting at the church for the rehearsal to start Hannah happily ran around the sanctuary and played in the holy water of the baptismal. Try as I might I COULD NOT keep her out of that darn water. It became the bane of my existence. After rehearsal we headed to the rehearsal dinner where Hannah got a little wild, but managed to hold it together mostly. At this point it was 9pm and she'd been up since who knows when. She crashed so hard on the way back to the hotel that I was able to get her out of the car, carry/drag her up to the room and take off her clothes and drop her in bed all without her waking up. I haven't been able to manhandle her like that while she was asleep since she was a toddler.

Saturday morning we slept in a bit and then got up and went swimming at the pool. Hannah had a blast and made friends with another little girl who was swimming that was also adopted. While the girls played, I enjoyed chatting with her mama about adoption. After swimming we headed out to get lunch and take it to the church. There we ate and got all gussied up for the wedding. Hannah LOVED being in her dress and holding her basket of flowers. At one point there was a minor crises where she began picking some of her scabs and made herself bleed, but the blood was kept off the white dress thank heavens. And of course there was that darn holy water I had to keep her out of only this time not only was she splashing in it, but she was also dropping flower petals into it! During the ceremony I left her in the charge of one of the bridesmaids and took my seat. She handled the ceremony like a pro and even managed to get a little chuckle out of the audience when she flashed everyone the thumbs up sign as she took her place at the front of the church. It was quite cute watching her sashe down the aisle acting like she owned the place. All eyes were on her and she was in heaven. She managed to stay mostly still and quiet the entire ceremony and stand up and sit down with the rest of the girls at all the appropriate times. I was quite proud of her.

At the reception she was the life of the party. She charmed every person that would look her way. She skillfully made her rounds to all the tables collecting the beanie baby dogs the bride and groom had at each seat for guest favors. She managed to charm her way into the possession of six of those dogs! It was pretty amazing to watch her work. There was a chocolate fountain for dipping fruit and other deserts in and Hannah was in heaven. I'm not sure how it was possible, but from the several gallons of melted chocolate she consumed, only two tiny drops of it manage to make their way onto her dress. Once the dancing began Hannah launched herself onto the floor and danced every single song she was there for. She danced alone or with anyone who would dance with her. She had quite the audience. While at the reception I received several compliments on what a wonderful little girl I had and how she behaved just like a mini adult. If they only knew!

Around 9pm I took Hannah back to the hotel and met up with her birthmom and siblings to swim again. The kids had a blast swimming for about an hour and a half and then we headed back up to our room for some snacks and visiting. We ended up visiting until 1:00am! Hannah was BEAT, but I was so thankful for the opportunity to spend some unexpected time with Tiffany and the twins. Now that we are so far away we have to make the most of every opportunity we get.

Sunday morning we were loaded up and on the road by 10:00am and this time we did manage to drive straight through and got home at about 8:00pm. On the drive home Hannah read an entire chapter book to herself in one sitting, colored about a million pictures, and quietly watched a few movies. She dealt with the boredom like a champ. Really the whole trip she handled like a champ. I couldn't have been happier.

Five Years Old

My baby girl turned 5 years old yesterday. I can't believe the time has gone so quickly. It seems like just yesterday Mike was calling us to tell us that Tiffany had gone into labor and was already at the hospital so we had better get there quick! She was so beautiful. A perfect complexion. Deep blue eyes that were wide open instead of the sleepy newborn daze. A headful of strawberry blonde hair. 10 fingers and 10 toes. LONG legs and gigantic feet. She never did fit into those newborn diapers or newborn clothes people showered us with! Unlike most newborns, she didn't sleep all day. She needed constant stimulation. I cursed all those dispensers of advice that told me to sleep when the baby sleeps. My baby didn't sleep! Little did we know that this was a sign of things to come! She seemed to take in everything from the very start even though all my books said she couldn't see more than a few inches. By a week old she was entranced with the ceiling fan and studied her pacifier with the intensity of a PhD thesis. Yet more signs of what lay ahead! She was stubborn, oh so stubborn and her personality has only grown stronger and more interesting as she has grown. We had some friends who used to joke about Hannah being a "super genius baby" because she just seemed to know everything. Speaking before most kids were saying even their first words. Conjugating verbs correctly before her peers were putting 2 words together. Little did we know how right they would be. Sarah and Jason, you guys called it for sure.

She's had many struggles as she grown, but now when I look at my beautiful, precious little girl I'm so proud of the young lady she's become. I don't know what I would ever do without her. I thank God every single night for bringing us together with Tiffany and Mike and making us parents of this absolutely amazing little girl.

I leave you know with a multitude of pictures of my baby girl from each year of her life! Enjoy!

We're Alive!

So I know it's been 2 months since I updated the blog, but we've been busy ok? Surely moving 1500 miles across the country counts as busy! As you probably figured out, we're all moved in here in Nebraska and mostly settled. The transition has gone about as I expected. It's been rough on Hannah, but easier I think on me than our last move to Rhode Island. I'm already making friends more quickly here than I did there. The actual move trip was interesting. Hannah and I flew out to Indiana after all of our things were packed and visited a bit while our stuff was in transit. Poor Kyle and Sally had to make the 1500 mile drive by themselves! Hannah did pretty well on the trip. I was so nervous flying by myself, but really it went ok. We did, however, almost miss one of our flights because my GPS is old and Indianapolis has a new airport and it took me to the WRONG one and I couldn't find the right one. We literally ran through the airport (and rental car parking garage) dragging our luggage Home Alone style and made it to the gate just as they were calling last call to board! It was a nightmare! Still we made it and Hannah actually cooperated during the crisis. God truly does answer prayers. While in Indiana we visited our good friends the Bowes as well as both of my sisters and Hannah's birthfamily. My dad also met us for lunch while we were staying with the Bowe's.

Since arriving in Nebraska we have slowly been getting the house in order. You would think it would be easier organizing a 1200 square foot house into a 4000 square foot house, but somehow that wasn't the case even though we actually have entirely empty rooms! Go figure. Hannah is all registered for kindergarten and we've met with the principal (they actually switched her to a different school than we had originally thought). I think this will be a good fit for her, but only time will tell. We are also all set up with doctors and specialists, except for a behavioral therapist for Hannah. Now Kyle and I haven't even begun to work on getting doctors for ourselves. I've actually got to get on that. I'm going to be needing a rheumatologist and a gastroenterologist soon to get my meds refilled. This is one of the parts I dislike the most about moving-the mad dash for doctors. UGH!

As far as the area, we are loving it here in Nebraska-at least I am and neither Kyle nor Hannah has expressed anything differently! Small town life really seems to suit us. We're visiting the pool, parks, the library, local festivals and carnivals, the local restaurants, etc and just feeling very comfortable and welcomed. In many ways this already feels like home to me in ways that Rhode Island just never could. Our one complaint thus far about the area is the bugs. The mosquitoes are INSANE! They are huge, vicious, and active even in the middle of the day. No amount of DEET or any other form of bug repellent seems to help. We are all covered in bites. I can't even manage to take the wonder dog out to pee without putting myself in danger of being carried off by giant man-eating mosquitoes! The locals tell us that this is by far the worst the bugs have ever been, but that does little to ease the sting of the bites. I'm sure all the rain and flooding (more on that later) we've had this spring/summer has not helped the bug problem, but it still stinks. Hannah's barely been able to play on her swingset at all because it's just too hazardous being outside for any length of time.

Now back to that flooding. . . . The area where we live is currently experiencing record flooding of the Missouri and Platt Rivers. Many, many people on the outskirts of our town and the surrounding areas are losing their homes or have been evacuated as a precaution. The city's water treatment plant is in danger of shutting down and if that happens then Kyle's work will also have to shut down. The worst part about all the flooding is that it is not expected to recede until FALL! That is a LONG time for people to be out of their homes, unable to begin cleaning up and rebuilding and it is a LONG time for the city to have to use an emergency plan to supply the residents with water. Our house, thankfully, is up on a big hill so we are not in any danger of it flooding, but the water is close to us, too close for comfort really, only a mile away. We drive by to see it's progress daily as it creeps along. Kyle unfortunately has been right in the thick of things since his new company put him, a chemical NOT civil engineer, in charge of building the levee to save their plant! Then just this past week he was loaned out to a nearby company to oversee the building of their levee as well! Apparently now he's an expert!

In the middle of all of this we also recently added to our 4 legged family and let Hannah adopt two kittens for her birthday. I know, we are crazy, but hey the girl has been BEGGING and PLEADING for a kitten for over a year now. The town shelter happened to have these two little kittens available and the animal control officer cut us a 2 for 1 deal since we were willing to take them both. I'd say a $10 adoption fee for two kittens is a pretty good deal. Hannah has named the kittens Thunder and Daisy. They are litter mates and super cute. Thunder is a 3 month old black male and Daisy is a 3 month old tiger female. It's been awhile since I've had a kitten in the house and I had forgotten what terrors they can be. Let me just say that those two have completely taken over the house. They rule the roost! Sally the Wonder Dog has done remarkably well with the move and the new additions. She alternates between being excited for someone to play with and completely ambivalent about their presence. I'd say that's about the perfect reaction. I couldn't have hoped for better.

Well, I think that's about everything we've been up to since I last wrote. I'll hopefully write more soon about how Hannah has handled this transition and some of the behaviors we've seen cropping up, but that really deserves an entire post unto itself.

Adoption Through the Eyes of a 4 Year Old

So adoption is nothing new to Hannah. Because we have an open adoption with Hannah's birthfamily she's always known she's adopted and has been able to give age appropriate explanations for what that means. We've discussed the ins and outs of adoption with her since the day we brought her home from the hospital. Lately, there have been many examples we have come across in books, tv, and movies that portray adoption. Some of them have been positive portrayals and some not. Some of them have been fairly accurate and others, well, let's just say they seriously missed the mark. Anyway, each time I've spoken with Hannah about what was real and what was not about each depiction and she seemed to get it. We compared the fictitious situation to her adoption and founded the similar aspects and the ones that weren't the same. I thought she had a good handle on things. Imagine my surprise when she opened up with some real adoption zingers that flew so far off base from reality that you would think they were coming straight from a 1940's handbook on how to be a happily adjusted adoptive family or how to place a child for adoption! I was horrified!!!!! Here's just one example. Hannah wanted to play house. She was the mother and I was the kid and several of her baby dolls and stuffed animals were to be recruited to be kids too. She turns to me and says,"Sweetie, you're going to be getting a new baby sister. We're going to adopt her because I can't grow a baby in my tummy." So far so good right? Then she follows up with. "I have to go to the store and buy her. I'll be right back." OH MY LORD! Never once have we ever discussed the fact that adoptions cost money at all. Where did she come up with equating it to buying a baby!?!? I immediately worked to put out that fire and explain how we NEVER buy humans. How when humans used to be bought that was called slavery and slavery is wrong. When you adopt a child they become part of your family and they are not slaves. I'm not sure she was buying into the thought that the baby was not available at the store. Then later in the play session she brought out ANOTHER whopper. She said, "Sweetie, the lady next door really wants a baby and since we have two babies now (we had since adopted a baby brother for me!) we are going to give her your sister to be her new baby. She's going to adopt her." I about died! A discussion began immediately about the reasons people place babies and children for adoption and that the reason is NEVER simply because someone else wants to be a parent. Babies are not traded as property simply because someone else likes them. We talked about the reasons that Tiffany and Mike placed Hannah for adoption and that they would have NEVER placed her for adoption simply because Daddy and I wanted her. They placed her because they could not care for her. Tiffany and Mike chose us because they knew we would love her and care for her, not because we wanted a baby. Hannah put up a fight about this explanation and still insisted that it was only right to share the baby with the lady next door since we had 3 kids and they didn't have any. UGH! I never managed to get through to her on that one and she got angry with me and we had to abandon the conversation for another day. That particular conversation brought back memories of a conversation we had just after Abby died. Hannah had informed us that if either Kyle or I died she wouldn't be sad because she would still have another parent left! Adoption has really been on her mind lately all around because she's asked me to tell her the story of her birth and adoption practically every day for the last 2 weeks! Never before has she expressed such interest in it. I suppose this is just another step in her journey to processing what it means to be adopted and how that makes her who she is, a unique combination of her birthfamily and adoptive family. I'm sure in the days, months, and years to come we will continue to revisit these topics again and again. Please pray that I am able to calmly and successfully guide her through the process!

Missing My Baby

Last week we spent traveling to the Midwest for Thanksgiving. We had a wonderful trip, exponentially better than the same trip last year thanks to a certain little electronic device that I broke down and bought (portable DVD player), but now I'm sitting here lonely because we are home without Hannah. You see, Hannah stayed behind with my mom to have fun and visit more family that we didn't have time to fit into our brief visit because Kyle had to get back to work for Monday. Hannah's having the time of her life playing with cousins, staying up late, and making cookies and Christmas decorations, but I'm missing her desperately. The house just seems so empty, quiet and lonely. I know it's a good thing for Hannah to have this opportunity since we live so far away, but I still selfishly want her with me. I've called her every single night so far. She doesn't appear to be homesick at all. I suppose chasing little black kittens around in the fresh air will do that to you.

I know you are all dying to know about our trip so here goes. We left on Saturday morning. We had intended to let Hannah go to her dance class and then leave from there, but an hour long tantrum to start the day caused us to miss dance. Still, once we got into the car things went very well and we made great time. Hannah and I alternated between doing school work and watching movies. We stopped somewhere in PA and got a hotel for the night. Hannah was a wild woman at the hotel jumping on the bed and shouting at the top of her lungs. When it came time to strap her into her braces and go to bed she complained about being lonely (we were in the bed right next to her for pete's sake!) and grunted and grumbled until she fell asleep. It was all we could do to keep quiet while she carried on! We were up relatively early the next morning and then drove the leg into Columbus, OH without incident. In fact, we arrived much earlier than they were expecting us thanks to the fantastic time we had made the day before. Hannah had fun playing with Pap and Mindy and climbing around in the woods with Baba (Kyle's grandma). Baba sure can hike with the best of them considering she's in her 80's! Baba took us out to lunch and spoiled Hannah with lots of Christmas presents. Hannah, however, in her not so tactful 4 year old way, generously pointed out that she already had 2 of the books that Baba gave her and that the 3rd one was the wrong book. She had asked for an Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) chapter book and this was an Ariel (Little Mermaid) chapter book. ~Sigh~ It looks like we have even more lessons on how to be a grateful receiver of gifts on our plate. Then we headed off to the Columbus Zoo to check out the animals and the Christmas lights. Hannah had a blast feeding and brushing the goats and then managed to make Mrs. Claus feel about "this big" (imagine my thumb and index finger very close together) when she offered to pass along a message to Santa about what she wanted for Christmas for her (we had chosen not to wait in the ridiculously long line to see him and had instead peeked around to the end of the line to watch Santa passing out candy canes to the kids as they exited his lap) and Hannah told her that she wanted Santa to know that what she really wanted was one of his candy canes! Poor Mrs. Claus didn't have any candy canes! She was pretty much helpless. It was heartbreaking and humorous all at the same time.

The next day we headed to Indiana and Hannah had her first meltdown of the actual trip. While it was not pleasant, I'd call it a huge victory that we made it to within an hour of our final destination before she had one. At Grandma's Hannah had fun chasing around and carrying a little black kitten for hours at a time. That poor cat really earned it's keep that day! While in Indiana we visited Lafayette to see our friends the Bowe's and Hannah got to play with her friend Evelyn. They were so cute together. We barely saw them they spent so much time holed up in Evelyn's room playing with her dollhouse. Then we spent Thanksgiving Day with my mom's side of the family. Hannah had a blast hanging out with the "big kids" and playing Bingo for prizes. She was even faster than I was at reading the Thanksgiving themed words on her card and finding them before the caller called out the next word. Then on Friday we visited with my dad and my aunts Jo and Terri and my cousin Becky in the morning/afternoon and then headed over to Tiffany's house (Hannah's birthmother) for dinner and to spend the evening. At Jo and Terri's Hannah had a blast chasing their cat and playing Wii. She really loves the fencing on Wii Sports resort and she's actually pretty good at it. Terri spoiled her rotten by giving her a few of her little knick-knacks and her father's old keyboard. I can't wait until Hannah's home so we can give the keyboard a whirl. At Tiffany's house Hannah turned into a wild woman again. I suppose an entire week of over stimulation will do that to a kid, but boy was she wild- not the finest representation of our parenting skills! Hannah had so much fun with Chase and Kayla though. They played on the trampoline, Chase gave horsey rides/bucking bronco rides, they watched a movie, and wrestled like siblings that have never been separated. It was lovely to watch. Hannah even gave both Donna and Charlie (Hannah's birthgrandparents) hugs which she has been hesitant to do in the past. It was a great visit.

Then, on Saturday Kyle and I headed back to RI and Hannah stayed with my mom. Now I'm here typing this childless. I suppose it was fortunate for both me and Hannah that Hannah stayed with mom because today I'm sick. I've vomited 3 times already today and Hannah's hates to see me get sick. It makes her so nervous when I throw up, while at the same time she doesn't seem to be able to take it easy on me when I can't do everything she wants to do. So, I suppose for today at least I'm grateful she's there, but I still miss her.

Photo Notes: The picture with Hannah in the dog crate with BOTH of the dogs was not my doing. I came downstairs one morning and found them all 3 in there together. Hannah had coaxed both of the dogs in there and then got in herself and locked them all in. Even though she was able to lock herself in she was unable to get the crate unlocked from the inside so they were all stuck there until I decided to release them. I couldn't resist snapping a picture before I did so though!

Adoption Thoughts

Lately the desire to adopt again has been weighing heavy on my heart. From the very beginning of our adoption journey I've flip flopped back and forth about whether or not we should adopt more than one child. Before getting too far in the adoption process with Hannah I was certain I wanted to adopt twice. Two kids sounded perfect to me. However, I wasn't prepared for the stress of actually adopting and shortly after Hannah was born I was sure I was DONE. I couldn't do that again. It was just too emotionally hard. The more removed I became from the initial emotions of adopting I started to think about how it might be nice to have another child someday. Then the stress of parenting Hannah hit and I was pretty sure I was DONE again. Being a mommy of one was plenty for me. I was content, if not a little over my head at times, and I felt like our family was complete. Then, for reasons unknown to me, I decided to look at a website with photolistings of waiting children through the department of child and family services. That was pretty much the end for me. I'm pretty much convinced that at some point we are meant to adopt again, but this time through the foster system. This thought scares me a lot. We've successfully navigated an agency adoption and have a healthy open adoption with Hannah's birthfamily. That's what we know. Hannah was adopted at birth. We know her birthfamily. We have frequent contact with them. A child that is adopted through the foster care system had a life before you came into the picture. They lived with their birthfamily. They may have had multiple foster families. They may have experienced abuse or neglect and they have most certainly experienced at the very least the trauma of being removed from their birthfamily. All these things make their mark on a child. They have to be dealt with eventually and they'll always be a part of their past. I don't know if I'm a strong enough parent to help a child through that. Then there's the issue of birthfamily contact. Hannah has a close relationship with her birthfamily. How would we handle things if we adopted another child that was not able to have contact with anyone from their birthfamily? How would this affect both Hannah and our hypothetical 2nd child? Then there's always the matter of whether or not I'm cut out for the stress of parenting more than one child. Could I successfully parent a child with possible emotional or behavioral problems when I so often feel helpless and unable to parent Hannah effectively? Still, with all of these doubts I still keep coming back to the thought that we are meant to do this. I'm not sure how. I'm not sure when. I just feel led to pursue this.

As I've been thinking about adopting through the foster care system I've started to notice some differences with regards to attitudes about and the prevalence of adoption between Rhode Island and Indiana. When we lived in Indiana we personally knew many people who either were adopted themselves or who had adopted children both domestic infant, international, and through the foster system. We've lived in Rhode Island for a year now and we've yet to meet a single person who is either adopted or has adopted. I find that a bit odd. There are two possibilities for why this is that I can think of. Either fewer people here in Rhode Island adopt or people just don't talk about adoption here because there is a stigma about it. Based on what I've observed while living here I would imagine that the reason is a combination of both of my theories. Whenever the subject that Hannah was adopted comes up people always express shock and surprise. When they learn that we have an open adoption they are even more taken aback. Generally after the initial shock wears off one of two things happens, either the person I'm speaking with quickly grows uncomfortable and changes the subject abruptly or they start gushing about what a wonder service we have done for Hannah and her birthfamily and we are quickly elevated to sainthood. They don't believe me when I say that Hannah isn't the lucky one, we are. We wanted desperately to start a family and adoption was the route we chose. This just seems inconceivable to most people here. Another thing I've noticed is that I see very few multi racial families. This could signify both that there are few international or foster care adoptions or that anything that is "different" is frowned upon and both adoptions and mixed race families without adoption are "different." This leads me to wonder what adopting through the foster care system here in Rhode Island would be like. Would it be hard on Hannah and the hypothetical 2nd child because adoption is not as accepted here or am I just imagining things? The Midwest is not the most accepting place in the country, but adoption is actually fairly common there and there are many areas where multi racial families are also quite common. Would we be better to wait until we didn't live in Rhode Island? So many questions to think about. But one thing I'm still so sure about is that we should do this. Our family is meant to get just a little bit bigger. The details can be figured out later, but the big picture seems clear.